How to Dress for the End of the World

What are you up to next Friday? You may be just going to work or school, you know—the usual. But if the Mayans are right, you will be living through the end of the world. I'm sorry to break the news to you this way. It's okay if your first question upon learning that the world might end is "But whatever shall I wear?" Remember that this is unlikely to be an instantaneous nothingness, painless and calm. No. When the world ends, shit is going down. Mass chaos, neighbor against neighbor, roaming the fields to escape marauding bands of outlaws. I can't promise you there won't be zombies. Assemble these items and have them at the ready. And may the odds ever be in your favor.
  • Drop-Crotch Harem Pants

    Stay with me, here. In the apocalypse, you want to wear something stretchy and comfortable, that you can easily run and crouch in. Plus, why not indulge in a trend that you’d never get to wear otherwise? Have some fun with this! #YOLO

    Cotton spandex harem pants, $40

  • Sensible Undergarments

    This is not the time for sexy panties. You will want something sturdy, something utilitarian. Something you could turn into a tourniquet if you really, really had to.

    Hanes briefs, $8.99

  • Gold Knuckle Knife

    You know what’s more useful than a pair of brass knuckles? Brass knuckles that also have a folding knife. Also, brass knuckles are so hot right now.

    Gold knuckle knife, $22.99

  • A Sturdy Anorak

    Obviously, your outerwear will be an anorak. It’s waterproof, it has tons of pockets to carry extra bullets and protein bars, and it has a hood. If you don’t already have one, don’t worry … once civil order breaks down, you can just loot one from the nearest department store.

    Hooded anorak, $179

  • A Good Carryall

    You’ll need something to carry squirrel carcasses, bottles of water, random pieces of fruit and cans of beans you find in abandoned mini-marts, etc. Plus the fresh teal shade is so unexpected!

    Patagonia lightweight travel tote, $69

  • Spiky Footwear

    These will discourage people from hiding underneath cars to slash your Achilles tendon. And if you get in fights with the zombies, you can do more damage.

    Jeffrey Campbell boots, $240

  • A Lovely Locket

    If you’re ever in a pinch, you could convince some trader that it’s precious to you and that you simply cannot accept less than a week’s worth of food for it. Until you need it for bartering, you can store poison inside. (For you or others.)

    Locket necklace, $49.99

  • A Super-Warm Sweater

    I know, it’d be a lot more comfortable if the world ended in more temperate weather. But you don’t want to have the flu on top of everything else, do you? Stay warm.

    Missoni open-knit sweater, $439.25

  • Sunscreen

    The fact that it’s the end of the world is no excuse to forget about UV damage. Stay protected, and if you encounter a roving band of feral jungle-people, your smooth skin might make them believe you’re their queen.

    Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunscreen, $10

  • An Extra Piece of Stabbing Equipment

    Really, we can’t stress the importance of weaponry enough. Everything you wear should have some sort of secondary potential as an instrument of death. Even a stupid hippie headband.

    Spiked headband, $17.59


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