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15 Things That Could Tempt Me to Have More Babies

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So Ross Douthat of The New York Times wants us all to lie back, think of America, and have more babies.
 
Because there’s a coming demographic Armageddon—too many immigrant babies and not enough white, Christian, taxypaying babies to make up the slack. Douthat blames us uppity career gals for prioritizing silly things like jobs and financial stability over our solemn duty to repopulate the country.
 
Sorry, Ross, I’ve been too worried about putting food on the table to think about increasing my family’s carbon footprint. And besides things like more flexible maternity leave policies and reasonable college tuition costs, there are a few things that I’d like to receive if I’m going to start single-handedly reviving our economy.
 
Oh, and Ross…my babies will probably be insufferable coastal elitists. Hope that’s okay.


  • A free pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream with every delivery
  • The assurance that Ross Douthat will personally come babysit my children any time I need to watch Dance Moms and enjoy a glass of white wine in peace
  • At least one ZIP code to live in where immunization of children is mandatory (Coastal states only, please. No Florida.)
  • A new breed of human baby who arrives already toilet-trained
  • Free gym membership; liposuction deemed “preventative care” under all insurance plans
  • An agreement from the news media that no newspaper or television show will ever run a story about killer nannies, killer day cares, killer car seats, or anything about the latest thing that will surely kill your child
  • An agreement from tabloids that they will never again run stories featuring unflattering pictures of celebrity moms, with arrows noting CELLULITE HERE!
  • An agreement from elementary schools that they will always make students read Where the Red Fern Grows, learn to play the glockenspiel, and play with the parachute in gym class
  • A truly stylish line of maternity clothes that includes not one single flowy top that ties under the bust
  • Guaranteed acceptance at an American university, preferably one at least 500 miles away from home so they can’t return every weekend when I’m finally enjoying empty-nestiness
  • The ability to drop my kids off at a fire station whenever they really piss me off, and the ability to pick them up once I've cooled down without getting in trouble for it
  • Federal legislation that guarantees a reality television show for every family, no matter how dull, bizarre, overachieving, underachieving, or nausea-inducing they might be
  • A food production system that does not simply coat puffed corn with orange dust that companies call “cheez”
  • Software that legitimately prevents kids under fourteen from setting up Facebook accounts
  • Universal healthcare

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