Brand New Day

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I am not the mother I wanted to be. The wife, the homemaker, friend.. I'm none of who I expected. I planned for a dash of Martha Stewartism, in my own way. To be the mom who decorated while the kids were in school..my mom always did that, and I remember I always looked forward to holidays, even the small ones. I want to be the woman who paints her toes funky colors, reads everything from Jennifer Weiner to Paula Deen and comes away with the best ideas for yet another Girls Night/Game Night/ Movie Night.. You know. THAT woman. The one who is quirky, not weird. Sends in amazing treats and goodies for parties and birthdays. Remembers everyone's birthdays…. :) Instead I'm lucky if I get to wash my hair every day and it's been a lot longer than I'll admit since I've done anything to my toes….

But that's all about to change. My smallest bird is leaving the nest for school this year, and I will be…alone. In, honestly, the first time in about thirteen years…no Disney or Nick Jr on TV. No puzzle pieces on the floor. No meals, snacks, games, tantrums..and nothing for me to do, other than be me. Whoever she is. I find pieces now and then, and I give them up. Now I have no excuses to fall back on. I can write that book, cook something new, clean however and whenever I want to, all the while wearing my comfiest pj pants, a mask on my face, treatment on my hair and a HOT meal I can eat slowly enough to taste, without sharing. There's no reason not to find out what I'm passionate about and how to combine it to the fullest. I want to write, but I'm not sure what. I want to cook, bake…everything. My kitchen and my keyboard are my passions right now, but combining the two as more than an occasional thing doesn't interest me, unless it's part of this journey I'm dragging you along on ;)

I need you, you know. To keep my word. To keep writing, exploring, discovering. To renew that sense of who I am as all these different pieces, and blend them together into the woman I want to be. It isn't something I'll do if left to my own devices.. I know myself that well at least. I'll talk myself down, out of it. I'll let fear erase any hope of whatever “it” is.. it's something I've always done. I don't want to give up anymore, or hide behind insecurities. I want to be who everyone else seems to see, and more. I want to make messes and masterpieces, and laugh or cry my way through..as long as I'm still moving. I'm on my feet now, and I'm starting to run. Again. This time, I hope some of you will run along with me.

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