I am currently a freshman at Fresno State University. The campus is lovely and I enjoy drinking in the beautiful and some times breathtaking scenery. But I am unhappy.
My school is four hours away from where I live. Four hours from where my friends, whom I love dearly, live. Yet here I am. I jumped at the prospect of college. I love to learn and I was excited at the thought of learning even more. I was also hoping to establish a thread in the music department because I had been in marching band in high school and I wanted to do the same in college because marching band had presented me with another family. But being here made me think I had made the wrong choice. After all, college is not for everyone. So I thought to myself, “Why am I here?” And I found the answer.
My home life is not an ideal one and though I love my family dearly, I could not stand one more minute in that household, so I went to college. My mom begged me to go to community college, which of course I refused because I would still have to live in the house. She also tried to reason with me playing the money card and saying that I should earn money first and then go to college. But I so desperately wanted out. I signed the papers and registered for classes and I entered a whole new world, alone, afraid, and broke.
Through my entire first semester, I cried myself to sleep each night. Sometimes it was silently and other times they were loud, body shaking cries. I so dearly missed my friends but I shook it off as first time jitters. But now as second semester is winding down, I still find myself unhappy and crying frequently though I try my best to refrain. I have tried to make friends but I feel no strong connections. Everyone seems to be too focused on a career. But all I can think about how happy I would be just to have a place to myself where I can just read and write. Because I want to be a writer, I declared myself as an English major—but I can still write without college.
I asked myself why people go to college. I came up with, “the money, of course.” Now it’s tougher to get a job and the work place now demands a higher degree of education to work. But all I want to do in life is write and help people. Perhaps if I found a career path that satisfied both those needs and required a college degree then I wouldn’t be wondering if I made a mistake choosing to go to college. I don’t know…
All I do know is that I’m not in it for the money. I never wanted to go to college just because I had the choice. And I have no career in mind. I have never wanted to gain things for myself. All through elementary, middle and high school I have helped others and I enjoy it. So I volunteer whenever an opportunity presents itself. But my question is, “Is college right for me?”