I know the new year usually is full of hopes and good feelings. I often am myself. However, today … not so much. Maybe it’s because today is my brother’s birthday, and I am still reeling from his death at the end of October. Maybe because I am feeling lost and without footing, it is hard to maintain hope and good thoughts. Maybe because I continue to look for a job—a decent one, at good enough pay—and find at age sixty-two, I am not getting the responses a good resume, strong work history, skills, and abilities should warrant.
Much less, I am uncertain what I would like to do! I have significant corporate experience: as a dedicated right hand, loyal assistant, manager, quality assurance, customer service—all in a range of industries. And now? What would my dream job be? Not sure … sometimes I think my own children’s bookstore would be ideal. But in this age of Nooks, e-readers, Kindles, etc., would I really want to dive into a field fending off the death rattle that the digital age brings to the hard copy printed word? Do I want to resume working in a corporate setting? At sixty-two, even with years of solid experience, can I compete with eager thirty-year-olds completely at home with a host of technologies I am not? Should I go back to school? What kind of return on investment would tuition have at this point? Well, aside from the self-satisfaction of learning something new. New … I can do that for free at the local community college! But for a certificate or completion of a degree I have to pay.
I think moreover, I am looking for some guidance, some path to take that will lead me to a good place. As I dip into cash reserves more and more to keep ends together, I wonder how broke will I be in ten years. It is a scary and unsure place right now. Can I afford to/should I take a low paying job while I continue to look for better part time work and while social security processes my claim? Do I hold out for some unanswered prayer? How long do I continue to be out there, responding to ads with little response and feedback?
Perhaps it is just stubbornness (or is it stupidity?) that keeps me from doing the social security route. Somehow would it mean admitting I am no longer significantly working or contributing. Oh, I know older people are still viable members of society. Hell, I am one of them! Maybe I should just set a deadline, perhaps shortly before unemployment benefits expire. As my mom would have said, “Crap,” (well, she would have said an expletive), “or get off the pot.” Then should I try not to fret myself too much between now and then? Maybe that’s my plan!