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Why Nobody’s Hiring

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Okay, for you literalists out there: this is not a real job listing—it’s satire, but it explains well why it’s so difficult to generate employment in these great United States.


Help Wanted: Expert Bookkeeper, $30/hr, 10 to 16 Hours a Week
My one-man business is at the point where it needs to expand. It’s time to hire my first employee, and the biggest need I have is for a bookkeeper. I need to stay on top of finances, especially receivables and payables, and to have sufficient records to keep me informed.


I am prepared to pay a good bookkeeper $30/hour. Here are the special conditions of employment:


  • The bookkeeper must deduct from the $30/ hour payment all “employer’s side” income tax withholding accruing from his or her own payroll account.
  • The bookkeeper must deduct from the $30/ hour payment all unemployment tax accruing from his or her own payroll account.
  • The bookkeeper must deduct from the $30/ hour payment all workmen’s compensation taxes accruing from his or her own payroll account.
  • The bookkeeper must deduct from the $30/ hour payment all Social Security payments accruing from his or her own payroll account.
  • The bookkeeper must deduct from the $30/ hour payment all mandated insurance payments accruing from his or her own payroll account.
  • The bookkeeper must do all payroll, tax accounting, and withholding work and record-keeping on his or her own time.
  • The bookkeeper must deduct from his or her pay all accounting review and preparation fees associated with government-mandated programs and tax schemes, including (but not limited to) those above.
  • The bookkeeper must assume responsibility for the correct and timely filing of all government reports, up to and including paying any fines and serving any prison time for mis-filing.


Now you may say that these conditions are unfair, but they are exactly what’s expected of the employer, and the high wage reflects the responsibility and actual expense involved.


The position, without the abovementioned special responsibilities and deductions, pays $6.75 an hour, and of course requires the same level of expertise.


Please call to set up an interview appointment.

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