We all know President Bush can’t wait to say “Adios” to the White House. He’s had to endure years of international travel, bad hair days on C-SPAN, and the constant headaches of political correctness. Here’s a look at his post-presidency agenda—a back-to-the-basics approach to life in Crawford.
Keep Passing Notes with Ahmadinejad
Bush’s terse responses to the Iranian president’s famous eighteen-page letter have been building up within him. Look for Bush to grab his Crayola markers, tear a page out of his spiral notebook, and blast Ahmadinejad: “Yeah, well, you’re ugly and your mullah dresses you funny.” He’ll add lots of exclamation points—and pictures of mushroom clouds. Then he’ll fold the letter like we all did in middle school, tucking the last flap in tight and writing “To: Ahmadinejad/From: The Prez” across the top. Eventually, as they pass more notes, Bush may play peacemaker with a little—“Do you still think I’m a blood-sucking wolf? Check Yes or No”—action.
Get Memoirs Written
Bush will certainly hire someone to write his memoirs, and in his effort to help (with minimum effort), he will send his computer to the lucky author. The computer records will show exactly what was going on in the Oval Office, and will fuel the book’s title: Mine Sweeper and Solitaire: The Story of a President.
Toss the Passport
Bush, who had barely forayed out of the U.S. when he became president, needs to let the rest of the world’s utter disdain for him die down before he goes out of the country. He will once again be able to stay in Crawford for cookouts and Krispy Kremes. He might even use his passport as kindling for the big, post-presidency grill-out at his ranch. Pass the quail!
Get on a Soap Opera
Bush always thought he was good looking, but C-SPAN and CNN just didn’t excite him. Look for the former president to make a guest appearance on One Life to Live or As the World Turns.
Make a Mixed CD
Despite the fact that Cheney, Condi, and Rummy gave him some heartburn during his presidency, Bush will still want to make them a mixed CD with his favorite ditties. Look for the selections to include Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” (We’ll put a boot in your a**/It’s the American way) so he can remember the good old days when people admitted to voting for him, and the Geto Boys’ “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta” (To all you Republicans that help me win/I sincerely like to thank you/Cuz now I got the world swingin’ from my n**s/And damn it feels good to be a gangsta).
Buy a Hummer
He’s an oilman who doesn’t do “nucular,” and he won’t go quietly into the night driving a Toyota Prius and composting his kitchen scraps. Expect Bush to buy a Hummer and road trip with his family to the lovely beaches of Galveston.
Bush feels a little bad about neglecting younger bro Jeb for the past eight years. He will fill up the tank of his Hummer and head to South Beach for a long weekend. Look for the two to order California rolls at Nobu (the rest of that nasty stuff is raw!) and make eyes with J Lo and her new twins.
Hang with His Homies
He’ll have Laura arrange some playdates with his buddies, Cheney and Gonzalez. They’re all out of jobs.
Catch Up on Reading
Bush missed reading his favorite literature—Maxim and People magazines—during his White House tenure. Luckily his servants in Crawford have been saving back issues on the empty shelves of his home library.
Hire Someone Else to Clear Brush in Crawford
Bush famously took more vacations than any other president in history and his press office deftly disseminated pictures of him clearing brush. (Reports from inside say that the West Wing is covered with homoerotic pictures of Bush wielding a chainsaw). Now that there’s no political benefit, bring on the landscapers.
Keep Playing Dress-Up
Bush can put on his flight suit any time he wants and keep repeating, “Mission accomplished.” He may also like to wear his dad’s suits and pretend to be a respected ex-president.
Make a Workout Video
Bush, known for his fitness, will indulge his fans with a workout video. He’ll invite special guests (Scooter Libby, John Ashcroft, his wife Laura) to star in the videos, and he might even create a line of Bush-themed work out mats, leg warmers, and little hand weights.