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Happy Thanksmas … Merry Chrisgiving

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I know you’ve already seen and heard commercials for Christmas, and it’s not even Thanksgiving! Please explain this to me. Please tell me that we are not so crass as to spew out “White Christmas” over the grocery store sound system before December 1. I’m all about holidays, but after awhile it makes me mad; like all the political commercials and stories over the last two friggin‘ years … I was so mad by Election Day that I didn’t want to vote for anyone. I did vote, of course, and my team won. The peace and void since Election Day of television admonishments over candidates has been blissful, I must admit.

I say I will be pleased to be over all the crassness of the two fall holidays that now seem like one after January 1st, but truth be told … then we have to wait until spring for Easter and that’s a long time between holidays. Then I will be longing for the Easter Bunny, I mean, Jesus … no I don’t, really. I prefer thinking about the Easter Bunny than what happened to JC. It’s just a happier thought.

Walmart and Target are to blame for all the commercials. They’re the ones who started jumping the gun here. Then Bealls, Ross, and TJ Maxx fell into line. Before you know it, Christmas in July (another total marketing ploy that seems to have caught on) will keep going until the new year and Santa’s outfits will just change with the seasons starting with a Hawaiian shirt with little elves on it into a hand-knit turtleneck sweater with Rudolph’s head and red nose on the front and his ass on the back. And, what would Santa be on Halloween? Hmmm … maybe a witch? That whole idea is just too disturbing to think about.

So, now they’re telling us that it’s not too early to send out our Christmas cards. Do they think we’re complete idiots? Are we? I always remember the first card I receive every Christmas season and I applaud the sender for his/her attention to the rule of posting early. Were I to get a card before December 1, however, I would be leery of its contents … especially if I have any known enemies around that time of year.

Don’t misunderstand me, please. I love Christmas cards, so please send me one, but as I have aged, their numbers have dwindled and not because my old friends have died—I’m not that old. I’m not sure why now that I mull over it. Just remember when you’re sending cards … put a photo of you in it if you’re going to send photos of the grandkids. I like looking at photos of grandchildren because it reaffirms my decision to be childless; especially screaming babies on Santa’s lap photos. But, I want to see a photo of you, the sender, my friend. Hurry up and send it though, because the U.S. Postal service has upped the deadline to the day after Thanksmas!


I wouldn’t mind if we celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas all year long. It would be one long, never-ending holiday called Thanksxmas and have nothing to do with Thanksgiving day or Christ. That way nobody would be offended. We would just be giving presents to our friends willy-nilly for no good reason except to celebrate that Thanksxmas is now two hundred and ninety five days since its beginning or because we know our Auntie Pearl needs some new underwear. “Hey, Auntie Pearl, here are some step-ins for Thanksxmas! Oh! And a gift for me? Thank you so much Auntie Pearl, I really needed some orange socks, and they come in handy when it’s 105 degrees outside like today. Thank you and happy Thanksxmas to you too!”

People would not need an excuse for cooking a turkey or making a fruitcake. We could have lights in our trees all year long and little kids at Halloween could dress up like elves, reindeer, and Choctaw Indians. We could have fake, white plastic trees on the decks all year round and have stockings hanging from the fireplace mantle for June wedding decorations. We could carve Uncle Sam’s face into pumpkins on the Fourth of July and dance around the Maypole on December 25 saying “Happy Thanksxmas to all and to all … buy wholesale!”

I’ve confused myself. Maybe we should just leave things as they are.



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