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The State of the Union Speech We’d Hear if Bush Were to Speak Truthfully

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If we could give Bush truth serum, this is what I’d expect to hear tonight in his State of the Union speech:

Ms. Speaker, (or Nancy with the laughing eyes and face pulled ever too tightly, the nickname I’ve resisted giving you), Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens (the paranoid 30 percent who still support me), and less distinguished citizens:

We gather in these chambers to say … thank God I’m almost out of here. You’re happy about it?!! Not even close to my euphoria (didn’t think I knew that word, did you?). Iraq—and I’m as sick of defending it as you are of carping about it—I believe by staying the course and supporting the surge, we’re getting closer to victory but, hey, what else can I say? Now is hardly the time to admit it’s been a colossal mistake. Hope I’m gone before Pakistan flares up.

I believe we’ll see peace in the mid-east before my term is over. And if we don’t, that “I believe” thing covers my ass. If I turn out to be wrong, I can’t be accused of lying, just being a little too optimistic. And we’re all distracted now by the fucking recession. Not my word. I won’t call it a recession until after the next president takes office. I have a last ditch plan to save my legacy. If my stimulus package doesn’t bail out the economy, I’ll blame Congress. Oh, like you wouldn’t do that if you were in my shoes?

And don’t think I’ve taken my ball off the AIDS problem in Africa. I’m going there in mid-February, when it’s off-season at the ranch. I’m also doing my part for global warming. We don’t use paper napkins at The White House and nobody’s chopping down trees so I can read a book. As for the oil crisis and all the other problems … how many things do you expect me to solve?

It’s easy to pick on me. You’d be a lot happier if you’d delude yourselves; put a spin on everything, pretend we’re on an upswing, and surround yourselves with sycophants. It works for me.

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