Too Sexy for This Holiday: Fifteen Randomly Slutty Costumes

It’s that time of year again: welcome back, Slutoween. Yes, it’s time for otherwise normal women to dress up as complete and total skanks for the titillation of men far and wide, handsome and beastly, smooth-shaven and hirsute. Costumes may be a way for people to escape their humdrum workaday lives, but dressing up in these “sexy” monstrosities is just plain silly.
Pocahottie
Naughty Nun
Chinese Take-out
Mummy Dearest
Eve-n Hotter Than the Real Thing
Domestic Goddess
Long Schlong Silver
Candy Girl
Who’s the Sexiest of Them All?
Do-Me Elmo
Santa Baby
Sexy Firefighter
Holy Boobs, Batman!
Reform School Dropout
Nem-oh!

Who’s the Sexiest of Them All?

Whoever came up with this costume obviously didn’t know that in fairy tales, outward beauty is the manifestation of inner purity, and ugliness is the manifestation of evil. So it’s impossible for an evil character to be beautiful, and dressing up as one is akin to saying you’re ugly. Now don’t you feel silly? ($44.99 at Amazon)

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Naughty Nun

If you thought that religious women who spent their whole lives serving God and the community were above mockery, think again. It’s a known fact that being sexy gets you into heaven faster. ($34.99 at Halloween Express)

Chinese Take-out

It’s a brave woman who can wear this costume and withstand the barrage of inspired comments like “Will you love me long time?” and “Me so horny!” that are sure to follow. Ethnic stereotypes are fun! ($47.95 at Yandy)

Mummy Dearest

Call me a stickler for science and historical accuracy, but a real corpse would never have been wrapped this badly. All the Egyptology grad students are gonna laugh at you. ($49.99 at Costume Craze)

Eve-n Hotter Than the Real Thing

The original Eve (you know, like from the Garden of Eden) was naked. How much sexier can you get? But if you’re going to dress like a vixen with a snake around your shoulders, remember that Britney Spears is a tough act to follow. ($13.88 at Amazon)

Domestic Goddess

Men already believe that it’s a wifely duty to prance around the kitchen naked. Let’s not give them any more encouragement. ($22.50 at Yumdrop)

Long Schlong Silver

At least women’s sexy costumes are marginally creative (marginally). Men’s sexy getups pretty much amount to their saying, “Hey, look at me and my big ol’ penis!” ($19.99 at Amazon)

Candy Girl

Does it really count as a costume when it’s just a dress with a logo? By that logic, everyone I see on the street wearing a Nascar T-shirt is therefore dressed as Dale Earnhardt Jr. Just sayin’. ($19.99 at Amazon)

Who’s the Sexiest of Them All?

Whoever came up with this costume obviously didn’t know that in fairy tales, outward beauty is the manifestation of inner purity, and ugliness is the manifestation of evil. So it’s impossible for an evil character to be beautiful, and dressing up as one is akin to saying you’re ugly. Now don’t you feel silly? ($44.99 at Amazon)

Do-Me Elmo

In what’s sure to be the hottest costume among both drunk sorority girls and furries, the Do-Me Elmo costume represents the final attempt to take everything that was sacred and innocent about childhood and dress it up in stripper shoes for sexual objectification. Bravo, America. ($69.29 at Costume Craze)

Santa Baby

Who wouldn’t want to reenact their own personal Nightmare Before Christmas? Just be prepared for people to shout “Ho, ho, ho” in your face. ($35.99 at Costume Supercenter)

Sexy Firefighter

That hat doesn’t look like it offers much protection! And it would be really hard to dodge flaming beams in those boots! And the fishnets would snag on exposed nails! And her arms would be susceptible to burns! This doesn’t look practical for fighting fires at all! ($34.95 at My Diva’s Closet)

Holy Boobs, Batman!

No matter how sexy the woman wearing this costume looks, Batman is not exactly going to be impressed, if you catch my drift. After all, everyone knows that the caped crusader and his manly sidekick just can’t quit each other. ($48.99 at HalloweenCostumes.com)

Reform School Dropout

Teenagers take note: Dropping out of high school does not portend a future surrounded by hot girls in miniskirts. You will be surrounded by hot fry-o-lators and paper hats. ($38.99 at Foxy Lady Boutique)

Nem-oh!

Even things that are good and pure and innocent have been completely colonized and sexified. This one’s for everyone who enjoyed Finding Nemo but found the film disappointingly void of naked chicks. ($59.95 at Yandy)

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