It takes years for you to trust to someone. Years to build, seconds to break.
This past few months are really trying times on my part, there are so many times when I REALLY WANT TO GIVE UP AND JUST MOVE ON AND DON’T CARE WHAT LIES AHEAD. I was so frustrated on how things happened?
Am I indenial?
Or I needed time to absorb the bitter reality?
To add insult to injury is the fact that I had to act as if everything is okay, unaffected and putting the mask just to protect those who really look for my best interest and cared for me in my lowest low.
Deep inside me I really wanted to breakdown and be numb forever. The pain is eating me up. And I don’t want to lose myself in this limbo.
Before, much of my lessons are read in advance,but now even the major exam is approaching, much of the xeroxed papers up for review are scattered around my basket bin, unread,untouched.
I cannot function the way I did before. Totally out of my element.
Normally,I would have my LOA (leave of absence) for me to think things over yet now it’s very different. I am back to school so, I had to deal with my predicament as a student. Its like juggling all of your responsibilities all in one drill.
Gosh! Without my funny and dependable classmate, I would not know if I would pass, even if I try to read the entire lesson, but no retention at all.
For an emotional species like me, some issues at times loose my keen for reasoning.
I am fueled by my pain, angst, and vulnerability. Although I am aware of the bad consequences of my decisions, I indulged myself. Until I’m ready to face my demons. Yes, I was trying to let my miseries controlled me till I get used to it and try to battle it on my own pace, my own time.
I know time is of the essence, but for my own sake I was trying my best to face it head on. This time, I know I regained ME, ready to face the storm, strong enough to start the journey anew.
I can have thousands of issues and complaints to air and bend. But knowing a few number of people who believed and stayed made it easier. I call them my armor of life. I’ll be forever grateful.
Wherever life leads and offers me, I’ll accept. Give me a week or months until my system absorbed it. Bounce back and learn from my experience. Stand up and grow beyond my years.
I guess I had accept the fact that LIFE IS NOT PERFECT; you’ll only get frustrated when your expectation is high as the sky.
I wear my heart on my sleeves now; I know that hurts and disappointments will always be part of my existence, anyhow, who doesn’t?
I’ll try to be positive despite of the pain and choose my battles wisely.
Despite of all my agonies,truly life is beautiful and I had a lot to be thankful for.
First published January 2010