Which Facebook Offender Are You?

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Brandon Griggs is taking names and pointing fingers, and I say, “Thank you, sir.” He’s taken the time to compile a thorough list of the annoying archetypes trolling the world of social networking—twelve of them.

I know you’ve run into people like The Bad Grammarian. Griggs gives examples:

“‘So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe.’ Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world… But you sound like a moron.” Or, the The Chronic Inviter. “Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me,” says Griggs. “Which ‘Star Trek’ character are you?” You get the idea.

Now, I realize no one is perfect, and I’m sure all of us have been guilty at one time or another of employing some of these irritating styles of communication with our “friends.”

I’ll admit I once pulled The Sympathy Baiter. I was home alone, violently ill with food poisoning, and as five consecutive hours of relentless vomiting came to a conclusion, I decided to update my status: “Pedialyte and Annie Hall.” (Shameless, I know.) Offers for chicken soup and Saltines came rolling in, of which I foolishly accepted exactly zero.

And, I’m sure some of my “friends” could conceivably think of me as a Self-Promoter, and by definition, I am. However, I’m contractually obligated to promote myself, so take it up with my boss. Or hide me—if you haven’t already.

Now, while Griggs’ list, posted on CNN.com, is rather comprehensive, I’ve taken the liberty of adding a couple of my own observations of annoying Facebook conduct.

First, I’d like to make the distinction from Griggs’ Friend-Padder (1,000 friends? “Show off”) and introduce The Stranger. You’ve seen this guy, maybe—never? I’m talking about the person you have literally never seen, and even if you have, you’ve surely never exchanged words. Call me a jerk, but if we don’t actually know each other, please, don’t friend me. Seriously, we are not friends.

And then there is The Misuser. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume there is a good chance you don’t even know who you are, so I’m going to tell you. (If you’re over forty, you’re likely an offender; so listen up.) Here goes:

The Facebook “wall” is not an open field for long-winded messages detailing the last seventeen years of your life, intimate confessions, provocative questions, or astute pseudo-intellectual observations. If Twitter is good for anything, it is their 140-character limit. 140 characters is not 140 words. So, keep it brief on “the wall” but please, feel free to knock yourself out in a private message. Boring, I realize. You wanted everyone to know how bad you felt for standing up that guy, so bad in fact, that your new $740 shoes won’t even ease the guilt, but anyway … you can’t believe Johnny (is that his name?!) is starting pre-K in the fall, and that you haven’t seen him since the christening, but you’re TOTALLY planning on coming for a visit —and you would this weekend, but you promised your boss (who you accidentally slept with, yikes!) that you’d come out to his house in the Hamptons for Labor Day (yawn), but once all the craziness of Fashion Week dies down, you probably still won’t see me. Hugs!! xoxo

Now, just like Griggs, excuse me while I go post the link to this story on my Facebook page.

By Lisa Germinsky for Tonic, a good news Web site

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