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Fearful Joy

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I am over the moon with happiness and filled with an uneasy fear all at once. I found out three days ago that I am expecting a child. I know all too well how wonderful it can feel to be pregnant, especially when you have tried and tried. I also know the incomparable fear a pregnancy can have for someone who either is far from ready or if the past has not always been pleasant during pregnancies. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I have been scared more than I ever thought I could when I thought I was pregnant at the age of sixteen. I have been elated with the thought of a coming child. Lastly, I have been full of unimaginable stress because of loosing a child.


My husband and I have been trying for two years to have a baby together. Unfortunately, we have been through three miscarriages. I have been to many different doctors and had so much blood drawn that I can’t believe I am still kicking. They’ve tested every possible aspect of my body inside and out as well as my husband’s sperm levels and quality. As far as the infertility specialist was concerned, there was no possible explanation.


On a seemingly unrelated issue, I had been having joint pain for years and had recently been referred to a rheumatologist. Through the rheumatologist, it was discovered that I have celiac disease, which is basically an allergy to gluten. In researching this new allergy I discovered that it is a common cause of recurrent miscarriages, severe fatigue, and many other symptoms I have. It is so strange to find something, just one simple (well, kind of simple) thing that could cause such havoc.


I’m thrilled with the knowledge that I finally have answers for my ails, but not at the same time. I am a carb-aholic and I have to give up so many of the things I love. I have found that there are replacements for almost everything, but the whole idea of dining out is difficult because the restaurant industry for the most part doesn’t cater to those with my disease. I am doing very well with it, all in all, but it isn’t the easiest thing to do.


Since finding out about the Celiac (about three weeks) I have found that I am carrying a baby once again. I have already changed my diet, starting taking prenatal vitamins (which I had to buy special because most vitamins have gluten), and talked to the infertility doctor I have been seeing. I am thrilled that I am pregnant, but scared because of the losses I have suffered. I think I am going into this pregnancy better off, but I still can’t help the nerves. I guess I’ll just have to play the waiting game.

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