Advice from the Purple Nama Monster (Not to Be Followed)

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Over the years I have wondered why am I so fucked up? Then I remember all of the wonderful motherly advice Purple Nama Monster has given me and I think “Oh yeah, that’s why!” I have decided to share some of PNM’s (Purple Nama Monster) most “wise and heartfelt” advice with you, but only if you promise to never follow it!

The World’s Oldest Profession Will Give You the World’s Biggest Paycheck
In my early twenties I was looking for my place in the world. I was trying to figure out where I belonged, and what I wanted to do with my life. In a brief moment of weakness (stupidity) I sought out my mother for help with my dilemma. The response I got was “If I was your age and had your looks I would be a prostitute, they make really good money!” Hmmm … of course you would mom, and you would be really successful among the men that have mommy issues because you would have sex with them, make them feel bad about themselves, and then tell them to clean their room! I did not take PNM’s advice. I enrolled in community college, but I am sure my decision to get an education is a great source of disappointment (jealousy) to my mother.

Money (Not Love) Makes the World Go Around
After the wonderful career counseling I received from Purple Nama Monster, I once again returned for help (torture) with my love life. I do not know what I was thinking asking PNM (twice divorced now dating an infant so she can feel good about herself) for help with my relationships. I have been with some good guys; they were just not good for me. So after a difficult break-up I came to Purple for help. PNM said “You know what your problem is; you are looking for love to make you happy. If you marry a man with money, you will always be happy, and you can learn to love him later.” Yet again, more insight into life that you can take to the bank ($).
If You Don’t Do It to Him, For Him, Or with Him, Some Other Girl Will
This one statement was the cause of most of the pain in my relationships with the opposite sex (Thanks Purple!) The problem is I really believed this. I am older and wiser and have since learned this is fear, that others will not accept you (doormat). I refuse this statement. In fact I will not do “that” (make a porn for you and your friends to watch) to you, I will not do “this” (spend my day off cleaning your truck, and filthy apartment) for you, and I will not do “this” (hold your beer bong so you and your buddies can get tanked) with you! There is one thing I will do though … I will open the door for you when you leave to go find the “other girl” that will do these things for you!

Motherhood: The End of a Woman’s Life
I never wanted kids, and Purple was the reason why I did not. PNM told me my whole life that” Having kids will ruin your life, your body, and no man will ever want you if you have kids, even if their his!” I have two girls and they are the light in my life. I have some battle wounds, but I am just as pretty (bigger boobs) as I always was. Yes, my house looks like a Toys-R-Us war zone, maybe we don’t have as much as sex as we once did (or in as many places), I have triple the laundry, and way less time for myself. But when I hear little feet running down the hall calling “mama” I smile and think, it sure has been worth it!

Make-Up, Make-Up, Make-Up, and a Pair of Heels
Purple never goes anywhere unless she is dressed up (center of attention). This means when we go for walks she has full war paint, in the snow and rain she wears heels, and she is the woman you all see in the grocery store with an up-do, pencil skirt, and stiletto’s. My whole life PNM told me “Never leave the house without make-up, and fixing your hair. If you do you are bound to run into someone you know, and they will tell everyone how bad you looked, and we don’t want that do we?” I go for walks with no make-up and a ponytail; I go to the store in my pajama bottoms to grab milk for the baby, and I have even went to the movies in sweats. I could care less what others think, If their life is so boring that they must talk about my polka-dot pajama bottoms, then go ahead! Because no amount of make-up, hairspray, or extensions, will hide how ugly you are on the inside!
Go Ahead Kiss Ass. It’s Ok If You Feel Like an Idiot, at Least People Like You  
I worked with this miserable creature that was beyond rude and impossible to get along with. He was a smart-ass to everyone and never had anything nice to say, ever! Several times I left work in tears. I asked Purple Nama Monster “What should I do?” PNM responded, “You should just go out of your way to be nice to him and that way he will like you.” So I brought him a piece of cheesecake one night when we had to work late. He hated cheescake and refused to it, he was actually angry at me for bringing it to him (Who does not like cheesecake? Free cheesecake at that. Idiot!) He was even ruder after that! If you choose to be angry and rude to everyone, than why in the hell would I want you to like me? I do not need others approval to be comfortable with who I am. If I had it to do all over again I would smash the cheesecake in his face and say, “There you go now you have a reason to be rude, asshole!”


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