I cannot express enough the physical pains I am going through after more than 22 years of being a bulimic. I started out just doing it to lose weight. Possibly to control my out of control depressing life at the time. But what is my excuse now after all these years and accomplishing things I have always wanted to do, and having someone love me so much for who I am.
I put myself in a hospital back in the 80’s and went to out-patient therapy with no results that I had hoped for. The physical symptoms attacking my body are real and relate to my eating disorder, blurred vision endometriosis, kidney problems, stomachache problems, gall bladder problems and a hand that’s scarred for everyone to see—so you are embarrassed all the time and wonder what people are really thinking about you. I can’t tell doctors what I really do to myself, but say I have heartburn because our jobs would be at risk if I need psych help. Besides I have already been there done that. I know why I do what I do. I was molested as a young girl. I have dealt with that and told my family. I had low self -esteem because I was chunky and lived next to models in my neighborhood. I understand the problems I had with that and have made peace. To look at me you would think O’ she is pretty and well groomed. Even though I take care of myself on the outside—go to the salon regularly, and get everything done, get Botox and shop well. I feel like I just want to be happy on the inside and don’t know why I am not. I am able to go and do many things but am always afraid. After more than 22 years of this with the reality of this eating disorder slowly and eventually killing me—what good is bulimia?