I have learned in my life that I want children, and the man that I have been seeing doesn’t. We have been off and on for five years, and many people would say I am crazy that I am still with him. I have never been content in the relationship, but I have never had that reason to leave. He is comfortable. Nice. Truthful, and genuine. We match each other politically, morally, religiously. We come from the same financial background, and we rarely fight about money. But we do fight.
It is now 2:30 a.m. and I am yet again, going thru my head why I should / should not be with him. I have made a new realization though. I don’t have to make the decision. I want to be his friend, but oddly, I think this is all we ever should have been. But also oddly, we care about each other too much for that to be the case. I love him dearly, which is why I have been with him for five years. But I don’t think we are completely compatible, especially with the children thing, and that is why we aren’t married.
I am 31, and yes, I have fears that I won’t ever get married. But I have bigger fears that I will never have a child. I feel strong now. I have great friends, and I love my life. One week ago, I was feeling so incredibly lucky in my life. I still am lucky. Is it possible to move a relationship, that is very special to you, from a romantic partnership to a platonic friendship. And is it possible to date someone new, give them and myself the fairness of the potentials of a real relationship while still being friends with your past lover?
In my twenties I was sad most of the time. I don’t remember why I was sad, and looking back it all seems so crazy. What was I sad about? I don’t have the energy or time to be sad now. I don’t want to be sad.