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Creative Women Fake the Holidays

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Creative Women Fake the Holidays
Dauna Easley

Women don’t always like to admit this, but we are great fakers. We’ve grown up learning how to fake. Our mothers and female friends helped us polish our skills. I can prove it.

When a gal friend says, “Do these pants make my butt look smaller?” We say, “Yes.” We claim we don’t want to hurt her feelings. Then we plan to hang out with her while she is wearing them so our butt will look smaller in comparison.

When a guy in our lives says, “Do you have something on your mind?” We say, “No,” even if we have recently checked on the price of hit men to avoid divorce court.

The holidays provide so many wonderful opportunities for faking it and let’s be honest we deserve all the fake help we can get. It is usually the women in the family who are decorating the home, cleaning for company, shopping for food and gifts, wrapping, cooking and then cleaning up the mess afterwards. I know it is only autumn, but the women of the world are already worrying about the looming holidays. The Queen of Faking is here to help you with some wonderful suggestions.

Great Fake Ideas for the Holidays

• When you purchase Halloween candy, fake thinking you will need five bags when you secretly know you only need one. You will need the extra chocolate stash to get you through Thanksgiving.

• Use photo shop on your family holiday photo. Remove pounds and wrinkles from yourself leaving the rest of the family sporting their zits and belly rolls. You will look great in comparison.

• Thomas Edison, a guy, may have invented the light bulb; but I’m pretty certain it was a woman who invented the first gift bag. God bless her. She is my hero. Plop the item in, throw tissue on top, DONE! If I ever get really rich, I’m going to find out who that woman was and build a shrine for her. My hubby claims he misses boxes you could unwrap, but he has never wrapped a present in his life. His vote doesn’t count.

• Use your computer to fake shop. Play Christmas music in your house to pretend you areat the mall.

• Use your empty Christmas storage tubs to sweep all the junk mail and other clutter off surfaces to fake clean. Put the lid on the tub and stuff it somewhere out of sight to go through after the holidays. If you’re really lucky it will get lost and you’ll never have to deal with that mess.

• Precooked, pre-sliced, honey baked hams also had to be the brain child of a woman. Sure they’re expensive. I say put one on the list of a male guest to bring. You deserve it.

• I have a friend who shall remain nameless (in case her son reads this) who makes her mother’s time honored traditional sausage dressing by frying up some sausage and adding it to boxed Stove Top Stuffing. You go girl.

• Bob Evans refrigerated mashed potatoes taste better than mine. Most people wouldn’t have the courage to admit that…but I’m a gutsy girl. Caution: Take them out of the plastic container and don’t use the microwave. Warm them in a sauce pan and as guests arrive fake taste them. Add a plop of butter and salt and pepper. They will all be fooled. The truth is they taste just as good made in the microwave. But remember our goal is faking the real deal.

• I used to bake. Now I fake bake. Here’s the truth: those tube cookies you slice and even those cookies already sliced and ready to just slide into the oven, smell just as good while they’re baking as the ones where you used to have to sift flour and separate eggs. When you taste them, I admit, it’s a different story. But during the holidays we can’t be bothered with details. We can’t be expected to fake the scent and the taste. Get real.

• If you take this a step further and actually buy your cookies instead of fake baking them, I suggest you buy a candle to burn to simulate cooking. My favorite is a Yankee Candle called Christmas Cookie. I buy them the day after Christmas at half price; then I can fake bake all year.

• If you can’t sing carols because you have the vocal cords of a frog, just move your lips. If you wear a Santa hat while lip-syncing everyone will think you are the lead singer.In that way you can fake festive.

• Fake iron the table cloth by throwing it in the dryer with a wet towel for a few minutes to get the wrinkles out. Who am I kidding? I don’t use a tablecloth. I use a fake tablecloth and fake napkins. If they have a picture on them I call them designer linens.

• I have another friend who has her Christmas tree on wheels. She pushes it into an oversized closet, throws a cover over it (ornaments, lights and all) and wheels it back out the next Christmas and plugs it in. Brilliant faker.

• Buy your cranberry salad from theKroger deli and put it in a cut glass bowl in your refrigerator. Throw out the plastic container before guests arrive. Use the same technique for bagged salad makings, gravy in a jar, and the price code on your homemade cheese ball.

WARNING: Never share any of this insider information with your hubby, mother-in-law or picky female friends. You know who I’m talking about. It would be a serious breachof the Fakers' Code of Honor. We may be fakers, but we have our standards.

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