I Hate That I Love Him

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Nikko is six years younger than I am, so I treat him as my younger brother, a friend. I always see him as my friend … we text all night, we talk endlessly on the phone, we share stories about our experience, we laugh together, and we share problems. He is always helping me in every little thing I do. We were best friends; as my best friend, I share everything with him, including my love life. Well, he also did the same thing but I can feel that he is not telling everything to me. For some time, I thought that the reason behind not telling me everything is that because he has a crush on my other friend, who is really close to me. 

And then here comes the problem. My dad doesn’t allow us to be close. He doesn’t want to see us talking outside all night laughing and sharing secrets. I got angry with my dad because we are not doing anything wrong. Then he told me every time we are together that close, he thinks that we are lovers and because he knows that it is not true, it doesn’t look good. He is always saying that people might think differently, they might give different meaning to our acts. After that time, we started not talking to each other but after a couple of days we did something to keep communicating to each other. Secretly we bought this sim car that allows unlimited time of calls, then we are always talking. He always says that he misses me so much, he misses the days that we used to hang out together … then that started it all. I felt happy, I felt this warm feeling in my heart. I can’t really explain that as I was thinking about him, my heart beat fast as if it is going to blow. Then I told myself, this is a bad one … I only felt it once, and I am sure that this is love.

I cried, I can’t believe that I am falling in love with my best friend. For weeks I have been avoiding his calls. Every time I see him I smile. I am happy but I am hiding it. When my father went to Hong Kong to work, then he again was free to visit me. I was afraid that he would notice so I go home really late. I keep myself busy but we are still talking …

One day his sister asked me if there is something wrong between me and her brother because her brother was acting weird for the past days. When I asked why, she said, “He thinks that you are avoiding him, he cries every night if you don’t answer his calls, he stays up late until he was sure that you are home safely, I think he is in love with you.” I was shocked hearing those words straight from her; I can’t believe that, I don’t want to believe that. All I could say to her is, okay.

It’s been a month now that we are not talking because of a very small fight. I miss him and he isn’t talking to me anymore. He is not even going out of his house if he hears my voice to visit her sister. Now I realized that I am finally in love with him, but I see this little fight as an opportunity for me to get over him, I know that it is wrong to love him, maybe now he have already realized that fact. I really hurt when I see him but I have to hold on in this feeling because it is for our owns sake …

You know what, I hate this feeling. The feeling that I have to stop myself from loving a very nice boy just because of other people’s opinions.

I am not looking forward to Valentines because I don’t want to be with another man besides him. I am really hoping that I will finally get over him as soon as possible and find the right guy for me, the man I can love and love be back, the man that my father would approve, too.


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