When we’re children, the #1 lesson we learn from our parents is: “LISTEN!”
Today my husband and I are near 50 and just on the other side of 50, and are both very fortunate to still have our parents with us. We know how fortunate because in the past year and a half, collectively we know of 7 parents of friends that have passed away. It’s that time of our lives.
My parents, both in their 70’s, still living independently, but facing daily struggles, enjoy hearing from me everyday, sometimes twice a day. So I talk with both of them, everyday. Although my husband isn’t as diligent about calling his parents, he still does manage to make contact with them at least twice per week. That constant contact is so important to our aging parents, and for us.
About 7 years ago, we learned that my father had Parkinson’s disease. When you first learn that someone close to you has been diagnosed your thoughts immediately go to that person. It wasn’t until that Christmas when I was talking with my uncle that I began to also think of, and worry about my mother, my father’s daily caregiver. How is she faring everyday? How is her depression? Can she physically, emotionally, mentally handle everyday by herself?
I couldn’t honestly answer any of those questions and I began to realize I needed to keep asking her how I could help. I kept getting the same answer, “we’re fine, you’re busy with your full life, and don’t worry.” Well, yes I am busy, who’s not? At first that satisfied me, and I did go on with my busy life. Then, slowly it started happening. My mom would call me daily, checking on all of us. She likes to refer to it as her “fix”. I would hang up and feel satisfied that we had our 5 minute conversation. Then she started calling twice a day until finally I GOT IT! I NEED TO CALL HER so needs knows I’m there to lean on even though she tells me her and my dad are fine. Just to hear my voice, to have me listen.
Now we talk no less than twice a day and I can ‘hear’ the smile in her voice each time she picks up the receiver. I’m smiling on my end too.
Yes, my mother is a strong woman. She handles what life gives her with patience and love. That doesn’t mean she has to do it alone. And if she’s able to maintain her strength and independence by handling the day-to-day business of caring for my father solo, then I’m so very proud of her.
But if I can help strengthen her from within and keep the smile in her voice by a few simple phone calls everyday, that’s what I’ll do. I finally learned to read the signals: whatever they may be telling you, just listen.
