We all have things that we are ashamed of. We all have our guilty pleasures. I like to watch any reality show featuring a Kardashian because it makes me feel like a better person. I also like to fantasize about meeting Scott Disick and punching him in the throat and then watching him writhe in agony as I donate all his clothes to charity and force him to wear hand me down Old Navy sweats. But today I’m devoting my whole story to my new obsession. Toddlers and Tiaras.
This show brings a lot of new emotions up for me. I never thought I would want to hurt a child, and I still don’t, but there are moments while watching this show that I think, “oh you spoiled brat don’t you make me get the hose!” The other strange thing about T&T is that it makes me feel like a superior parent. Now that’s weird because I don’t have any children, but I do have plants. Cesar and Pepe are spiky and leafy, and Cathy is a cactus with pretty pink flowers. I know for a fact that my plants are better cared for, and will grow up to be smarter, kinder, and more beneficial to society than any of these Toddlers will ever be.
How is this possible you ask? Well I have a theory. Say you have a little girl. And you are crazy. Now you’ve decided that you want to enter her in a beauty contest even though she is six months old and you don’t really even know what she looks like yet. Why do you want to do this? Because you are in shock. Shock that your child is not completely hideous. Everything that went into making your little girl basically guaranteed that she would be ugly. But she’s not! You have to take advantage of this and show her off. So now she is three years old and doesn’t remember winning all these useless trophies but the success of them has already made her feel special and she is an entitled little shit head. You find yourself cowering before her. On top of that, your husband has stopped thinking these pageants are cute because the price tags for her dresses are sometimes upwards of $1,000. (Unless you use your tax refund and rent one for $500) But it’s too late to stop now. Fast forward to five years later. Your daughter is eight, and guess what. It turns out she’s not actually pretty, and she has severe ADHD. So now at a young age she has learned that she can’t be pretty unless she spends two hours a day hiding every natural thing about herself, and she screams things like, “Woman do not get in my face or I will smack you,” to people thirty years older than her.
The complete opposite happens as well. Overweight, seemingly illiterate mothers, (some former beauty queens themselves) with real, sweet, beautiful daughters who are affectionately named, “Pageant Moms.” They are the scourges of the earth. They are blind to their daughter’s pleas to stop rehearsing or waxing. They are controlling and horrible in all the ways you can imagine. They worry the judge will deduct points because their daughters aren’t walking yet. They spend hundreds of dollars on “Flippers”, partial dentures for children who don’t have a bright enough smile.
Here are some actual quotes from Pageant Moms:
- “Suck it up baby girl. Being beautiful ain’t easy.” You can see the daughter thinking, “How would you know?”
- “Getting a spray tan is Jordan’s favorite part of the pageant process.” In the background we see seven-year-old Jordan sobbing as spray tan chemicals are being washed out of her eyes.
- “As soon as she tells me she doesn’t want to do it anymore, that’s it. We won’t do it anymore” Cut to her daughter saying, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
- “Baby doll, suck in your stomach.”
Don’t even get me started on Pageant Dads. Your husband is GAY, Trudie. He’s not “super helpful.” He’s GAY.
And who are these pageant hosts?! Middle aged men who seem genuinely excited to say, “Aaaaannd heeeeere’s Kaylie! She enjoys coloring with chalk and her favorite food is anything someone else has!!” It’s no wonder the judges table almost always has wine on it.
Maybe it is a little like watching a show about car wrecks. It’s a little morbid. But I haven’t gotten to the worst part yet. After the fifth hour of watching these mothers prepare their daughters for pageants, I begin to think like them. I begin to feel that this is normal. I find myself thinking, “Well ya! Of course she has to get her eyebrows waxed! Three days left to the competish Brenda! Have you even made her spray tan appointment? You know her eye color won’t pop if she has pasty skin! You call that a smile? She’s missing two teeth! If those flippers you ordered don’t come in by tomorrow you can kiss Little Miss Grand Supreme goodbye. Kiss it goodbye Brenda. You know Mackenzie will be there, and you know Madison has never beaten Mackenzie.
So in short, I really recommend you watch this show. Keep in mind pageant-ing wasn’t always like this. Jonbenet Ramsay looked like Nell compared to some of these girls. But It’s good if you are becoming a parent, have plants, or want to see crazy people. It might make you feel a little scared and confused but its all part of the appeal of the show. It’s on TLC.