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Hiring – No Experience Required

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My sister-in-law sent this to me and I was wondering if she was trying to be funny or just trying to spook me. Maybe both. Should I be nervous after reading this? Because I am. I suppose it’s too late in the process to turn in my resignation letter? I have had a lot of jobs over time, everything from digging ditches to installing windows, but I always felt that I could handle each one of them.

Parenting comes with the highest responsibility and will most impact my life and the life of others. I’m starting to wonder if I am prepared for this—do I have the skills? Will I receive quarterly/yearly review? Can I be fired? Probably not. Do I have the option to blame my own parents if I suck?

Parent—Job Description
Position: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma or Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

Job Description: Long term, team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent twenty-four-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities:

  • The rest of your life
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to sixty miles per hour in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects
  • Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility

Possibility for advancement and promotion: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Previous Experience: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and Compensation: Get this—you pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses! A balloon payment is due when they turn eighteen because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

*Footnote: there is no retirement—ever.

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