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The Juice Box, All Grown Up

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Although it seems like the 80s since I sucked one down (probably because it was), I couldn’t help but reminisce when I took the plunge and bought Three Thieves’ Bandit Pinot Grigio not long ago. The reason Suns came to mind is that the Grigio’s packaged in this very cool juice-box-reminiscent … well, box. It’s lime green and has three gun-wielding dudes on horses on the front. And, there’s booze inside, not some lame imitation non-alcholic fruit juice.


Yeah, now we’re talking.


Another thing I really like about this stuff, besides its ridiculously cute packaging, is the green thing they’ve got going on—and I’m not just talking about aesthetics. Each 250 mL (1/3 of a regular wine bottle) Tetra Pak container of it says, “this … carton is made of largely renewable resources and reduces packaging waste by 90 percent compared to glass wine bottles.” Nice.


Doesn’t taste too bad either. Like the Target cube, I didn’t think this stuff really merited a serious tasting note. That being said, I’ve tested it now three times—meaning I’ve consumed three juice-box-sized servings of it—and I’m happy to say it’s completely quaffable. I’ve had it very cold, just out of the fridge, each time, which is probably best given that it’s white, it’s Grigio and it’s simple stuff.


Another reason I like it is that it’s the right size—250 ml is a third of a regular wine bottle, or about 2 glasses. Why 1/3, you must be wondering? Why not 1/4 or 1/5 or? Well, I think the reason this is perfect is because, let’s be honest, we rarely want to drink just a glass of wine. Au contraire! If I had my druthers, I’d drink wine non-stop, 24/7. This pesky thing called intoxication keeps getting in the way, though, damnit.


So instead, I alternate my adult beverages with less fun but essential subsitutes such as, yawn, water. But that’s again why I love the Tetra Pak Grigio from Three Thieves. It feels like a kid’s drink but has the benefits we grown ups deserve. But, thankfully, because each serving is just two glasses worth we’re saved from tipping back more than we might otherwise if we had a whole frigging 750 mL in front of us.


Now, if only I could find a way to travel back in time and substitute all my box lunch Capri Suns with Three Thieves Tetra Paks. If that were the case I might be a vinous genious by now, with all those years of research under my belt. On the other hand I could be a washed up drunk still strangely attached to pigtails and Nintendo consoles. On second thought, maybe it’s best I just enjoy it for what it is, in the here and now. Time for that fourth box (comes in packs of four)! Game on, Grigio.

Photo courtesy of Courtney Cochran of Hip Tastes

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