Oh, Sweet Going-to-be-Married Soon Girl, I don’t know who you are but I know you are out there. You’re newly engaged, overcome with the pure bliss of that diamond on your forever-taken finger. You’ve suddenly become swept up with countless magazines, fabric types, exciting coffee meetings, and the joy of registering for wedding gifts.
And that is where I will stop you.
Registering for wedding gifts.
Sweet Going-to-be-Married Girl, don’t make the same mistakes I did.
In honor of you, whoever you are, here is my list of the top five things you will never need.
1. Panini Maker
Now, it sounds good in theory. Oh yes, you are envisioning making your to-be husband a hot, toasted lunch when he comes home on his lunch break. You imagine sitting on the porch, sipping lemonade while tossing out baby names for the coming brood.
I want to assure you this will never happen.
What will happen is your kitchen cabinet space will begin to resemble airplane compartments into which things are shoved, squeezed, and locked into place. You will consider burning the kitchen to the ground just to start over. Just to find some space for a spoon.
Because of this, please forgo the panini maker. If you must ask for one, take mine.
2. Waffle Maker
Please see above. As a matter of fact, stay away from all things “maker.”
3. Margarita Set
You have the best intentions, I know. I hear you sighing and see you rolling your eyes. You are thinking, But Kristen, I heart margaritas. Again you have the best of intentions and often daydream of laying in a chaise lounge on the lawn, as your to-be husband serves you a strawberry ’rita followed by grapes.
Oh Sweet Girl, this ain’t gonna happen. Margaritas are for cruise ship vacations and the occasional Friday’s dinner.
What is going to happen is that your top shelf of kitchen space will be able to keep Mexico’s clubs going strong for years. Sure, you will never use the set. But Cabo San Lucas? If there is ever a hurricane that attacks their glass supply, no worries. You’ll have it covered.
4. Stainless Steel Cookware
It looks amazing, I’ll give you that. Yet the irony of this whole situation is that stainless steel actually stains. Really bad. The upkeep, once again taking place in the kitchen, is by far not worth it.
Find yourself some Rachel Ray non-stick stuff and call it a day. The more compact, the better. Remember, space is of the essence.
And if it is shiny things you like, register for some sterling silver jewelry. Now that makes sense.
5. Popcorn Maker
I am almost willing to budge on this one because I do believe you will use it. Maybe not every day but most weekends. I know your thought process already: Your Man walks through the door with flowers, a movie, and some butter. He puts on a manly apron and gets to work creating the most delicious of movie night snacks to share with you. You will cuddle on the couch, eating popped corn, and laughing at the newest comedy.
And you will actually do these things. I know.
But Saturday morning is coming, Little Miss Sunshine, and you are going to find yourself staring at the largest of contraptions wondering how in the world this thing gets clean?! It won’t fit in the dishwasher, it will be all slicked up from the butter (which will ultimately stain your favorite jeans), and will not fit comfortably in any of your cabinets.
After much prayer and fasting, you will come to the God-delivered realization popcorn that comes in a bag is nearly as good.
Take my word for it.
Now go on and register as an educated woman.
Keep in mind the three “s”s: space, space, space.
(As a sidenote, I will quickly encourage you to allow for more lingerie. I promise it will be put to use and silk doesn’t take up all that much room. If you thought your man would like a hot sandwich for lunch, just imagine what he will think of red lace. I’m just sayin’.)