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How to Save Your Sanity While Raising Little Boys

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I’m not a neurologist, I’m just pretending to be and I have three boys. So before the wheels start turning in your little darlings head you need to be prepared.

Little boys do before they think and you tell friends and family how smart they are because why else would you stand in the middle of a room with your mouth hung open thinking, “How did they do that?”

Some of the things they pull off defy the laws of gravity, question basic principles of physics and have you wondering if they are alien beings switched at birth and you are some kind of inter-galactic science experiment.
If they can climb up to the top of their chest of drawers and jump to the top bunk bed without worry, care or thought of the outcome, imagine what they can do when they start planning things. Once the oldest starts thinking stuff up a chain reaction of brain activity begins. Before you know it they are trying to rig up a way to swing from the ceiling with a rope, fashioned out of your bathrobe tie around and your husbands neck ties and belts, in order to land on a pile of couch cushions.

What you will need are eyes in the back of your head, bionic hearing and grow an extra arm. This would be your sixth sense. You must develop a strong one, bring it to the forefront and don’t be afraid to wield it.

Learn some basic weaponry skills, for example read their Nerf gun instructions they leave in the boxes. Take some time for a little target practice and know how to assemble and disassemble each weapon at the speed of light because you may have to shoot your boys down from your curtains. Just seeing you aim at them should get them down, if not fire a warning shot. This is no time to be squeamish, uterus up and lock and load. *see disclaimer below.

Hand / eye coordination is essential because while you are watching point A, point B and C are actively on their way to mayhem. Remember they do not think far enough in advance to comprehend the consequences of their actions. And just because you busted them for locking their younger brother in a closet the day before doesn’t mean they won’t do it again. Your hand / eye coordination will also come in handy when they bring a toad, frog, grasshopper or insert here anything little boys can catch, into the house. Keep empty margarine tubs with the lids, don’t forget the lids, where you can quickly grab them. Something will get loose when you are home alone. Ideally creatures from the wild should not be allowed in the house but they will forget you told them that.
Here’s the thing the frontal lobe located in the front of the brain is associated with attention, short-term memory tasks, planning and they do not stop maturing until a child is in his mid 20’s. So put on your big girl panties, you’re in for a ride.

One last thing you will need when raising little boys, it is a ‘when all else fails’ resort and must be used with discretionary confident force. A Barbie doll. It’s every little boy’s kryptonite. Hold the doll out and towards them like you would use a crucifix to ward off a vampire. They will cringe, stop what they are doing and run. It’s also a win win for a mom because it might be the only Barbie that will ever be in your house. You’ll want to buy a new outfit for her every now and then, maybe some accessories to brush her hair……

*Disclaimer: In no way do I condone shooting your child with Nerf guns or harming them in any way. I am a humor writer, please don’t take me seriously.

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