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Losing the Baby Weight

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I once asked my OB if it could still be called “baby weight” if said baby was now a preschooler. I refer to losing the baby weight as “The Bane of Motherhood”. In fact, and pay attention teachers, I think sex education classes in schools should concentrate on this more than anything else. Girls are so worried and obsessed with their weight that if they had the SLIGHTEST idea how freakin’ hard it was to lose the baby weight, I’m quite sure the abstinence rates would skyrocket. 


Before children (and how many eyes are rolling in agreement to this), I had no weight issues. Sure, I would get bloated and have to break out the ‘fat pants’ once a month, but for the most part I was able to lose extra pounds with relative ease. But now? I recognize Defeat in the form of anything edible. While I haven’t been able to confirm this next suspicion from any reliable sources in the scientific communities, I am convinced of it’s merit: Baby weight, in it of itself , is so hard to lose becuase it turns into the consistency of spackle. While this may be hard to prove as correct, it will be equally hard to prove as incorrect.


While I have no wonderful waist-whittling tips (I’m merely a SAHM mom who bawls at least once a month at the sight of her old jeans), I will offer you a virtual shoulder to cry on. I will tell you what worked (ahem, is working) for me: Portion control, cutting out any snacks that come in a box, and exercise.


Oh yes, and one very important tip: Do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near a celebrity website or magazine until you’re within ten pounds of your goal weight. Celeb moms are not real. I have reliable insider information that they are cyborgs. Cyborgs who have chefs, personal trainers, twelve nannies per child, Photoshop, Spanx, contracts that prohibit photographers form taking pictures on their unflattering sides, etc. These celebs should never be envied or emulated and you are engaging in a form of socially acceptable masochism when you do. And the ones who claim to have lost all of their weight by chasing their kids around the house? They either have wild pumas for children or are full of it.


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