I’m gainfully employed four days a week, but I never clock out from my mama job. When you’re a mom you have an invisible beeper duct-taped to your forehead 24/7. No one else may see it, but your kids have the number and boy do they like to dial it. Speed dial. Pre-programmed. Unrelentless. At least until they’re eighteen or their college loans are paid off.
I have picked up some handy skills since becoming a mother. That coupled with my corporate experience has led me to draft some interesting job titles, should I ever need to whip out my mom resume. Prepare to be dazzled with this vitae de resistance.
CFI (Chief Feces Inspector)
I can tell if you’ve had too much sugar, fiber, or ingested too much whole kernel corn in one glance.
LNW (Lead Nose Wiper)
Mastering the one-handed booger grab since 2002.
TAO (Tantrum Avoider Officer)
Skilled in identifying tantrums before they become full-fledged headache inducing public displays.
CTN (Chief Toy Negotiator)
Encouraging diplomacy and sharing between siblings, with the sneak pop-in-a-video tactic as a last resort.
SCD (Secretary of Consumer Distraction)
Successfully avoiding the “I Want That!” syndrome encouraged by TV commercials. (Thank God for the fast-forward button on the Tivo remote!)
KCE (Kid Cuisine Expert)
Adeptly balancing junk food and healthy foods without raising suspicion amongst the little people.
SBN (Secretary of Bedtime Negotiation)
Streamlining the feed the fish, brush the teeth, read the same book twice routine into a seamless process with a 99 percent success rate.
FDSC (Future Diva Style Consultant)
Giving helpful advice on key beauty and fashion decisions, from sparkle lotion to Dollar Tree bling.
LWE (Lead Whine Exterminator)
Skillfully snuffing out incessant whining without resorting to candy or other bribery.
And the list could go on.