I sometimes resent having been born a girl. Don’t get me wrong; I am a true feminist and completely understand and innately know that women are the stronger gender in nearly every way. But this whole “biology is destiny” thing really hit me hard when trying to maintain an individual identity while raising three kids. I know I’m not the first professional woman who fell off the career track to raise her kids. And I also know there are many other ways I could have figured it out. But from what I’ve seen, there’s really no great option.
The women I know who fell off the track (or some who have never had a strong career prior to having kids) are now feeling adrift as they hit middle age and can see the light at the end of the child-rearing tunnel. Other moms I know who have maintained their careers are either completely frazzled, on medication or divorced. It seems there is no great divine plan that leaves one with an overall feeling of total satisfaction, completion, wholeness and balance. I think that’s the key. Balance. As I get older, I return to my yoga philosophies of keeping things in balance. Having been raised by a type-A New York control freak, there was little balance in my house. When I brought home a 98 on a test, the kudo was, “So what happened to the other 2 points?” Yikes. This is NOT balance. This is meshugas.
I was never brought up dreaming about my wedding day or my white picket fence or my 2.2 kids. I was brought up thinking about how I was going to change the world with my boundless energy and creative skills. That’s all well and good, but when you ultimately realize that you have a womb and it’s there for a reason and that reason is popping out in eight more months, you’d better figure out a whole new mind set! Anyway, there’s a point here somewhere. I am now forty-five and have only six more years until my third child will leave the nest for college. Have I squandered my professional time? Was I a good enough mother? Can I ever get back to my “regularly scheduled life already in progress?” So many questions. Hopefully, few regrets.