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The Mommy Rules

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Sometimes my kids accuse me of being grumpy or in a bad mood. And sometimes they ask me this question: "How come you make that loud noise when you breathe?"

Oh, you mean the sighing?

Well, that's probably because you ask me this question too much: "Mom, can you do me a favor?"

You want me to stop being grumpy and in a bad mood? Stop asking for favors. In fact, I'll take it a step further. I would be in a GREAT mood all of the time if you would follow and abide by these simple rules:

1. Learn to clip your own toenails. You’re eleven years old, for cryin out loud. You are this close to getting pubic hair and yet you can’t manage your own feet? Dude, you’re in for a nasty surprise.

2. Put your dishes in the dishwasher. Or better yet, eat on paper plates. You’re not too fancy for styrofoam, despite what you might think. And for god’s sake, wipe your mouth. But not on the good towels!

3. Stop being so loud in the morning. You stomp around like you’re moving furniture and it’s driving me crazy. And bring me coffee. French vanilla creamer, one Splenda. And don’t spill it.

4. You know that tall, rectangular piece of thick wood that stands between you and me? It’s called a door and when it’s shut you knock. If I don’t answer that’s the same thing as “go away.” It’s not code for “come on in and bring the neighbor kid with you, never mind the fact that I’m shaving my vagina.”

5. When you ask me a question and I give you the CORRECT answer, don’t argue and tell me I'm wrong. You know what? You’re exactly right. The sun IS the 8th planet in our solar system. You should probably go ahead and move out while you have all the answers.

6. On that rare occasion that I'm feeling ill, please just let me be. I want to feel like I'm dying in peace. I don’t want to make you dinner, help with homework, or clean the skid marks out of your last pair of clean underwear. Do you hate me this much?

7. When I ask you how I look in my new dress, don’t squint your face all crazy like and ask if it’s supposed to stick out so far in the back. That’s my ass, you insensitive schmo. Guess what. You’ve got half my genes. Which will eventually be a problem for your JEANS.

8. Try saying “Thanks, Mom” or “You rock, Mom” or “You’re so skinny, Mom” or “You’re not as mean as (fill in the blank)’s mom, Mom.” Kindness goes a long way and also I know where you hide your journal.

9. Stop complaining about everything. Seriously, I could hand you a hundred dollar bill and say, “Go! Have fun!” And you would find something wrong with what just happened. You act ungrateful and that reflects poorly on my parenting skills and the people’s kids down the street seem so much more…I don’t know…polite and stuff…and I kinda hate them. Straighten up or I'll stop cutting the crusts off your PB & J.

10. Leave me alone for 12 solid hours. Please. One day, 12 hours. That’s all I ask. I don’t even care where you go. Rated R movie, strip bar, Harley Davidson bike rally, Southern Baptist church revival. Seriously, I don’t care. Just go away.

God it feels good to get that off my chest. i'm feeling better already.

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