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Things That Won’t Cause Labor

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1) Jumping up and down and saying “Come out now!”


2) Baking a cake and promising the baby she/he can have the whole thing if she comes out to eat it.


3) Eat a lot of something gross and tell the baby you’ll never stop … the only escape is to come out now!


4) Loudly complaining to your husband that you’re tired of being pregnant.


5) Walking around the house and saying things like, “Wow. Look at all this cool stuff for a baby … if there was a baby out here, he/she would have so many toys … he/she wouldn’t know what to do! There’s nothing around here but toys and fun things for babies. Now, if only we had baby … wonder where I could find a baby. Hmm…”


6) Lying about the recession and your current employment status.


7) Calling your husband “Brad,” insisting he call you Angelina, and hoping that your new arrival is pop culture savvy and can’t wait to meet their Brady Bunch snack pack of siblings.


8) Tell the baby they are in a race with another baby … then play lots of Rocky-type inspirational music.


9) Begging.


10) Crying.


11) Alternating begging and crying.


12) Eat a ton of M&M’s and wait for her to get so hopped up on sugar she just kind of pops out.


13) Physically try to evict her by pushing on your belly from the outside.


*Warning: this will not lead to labor, but it will lead to the baby bumping her head on your bladder causing you to nearly wet yourself. And when I say nearly … I mean definitely.


14) Go all Noriega/CIA and just start blasting Styx via headphones into her formally pleasant living space.


15) Having sex, bouncing on an exercise ball, walking, eating pineapple or eggplant, consuming spicy foods, visualizing, or anything else that worked for your friends/co-workers/grandmothers/or cousin’s best friend’s wife. If there was a sure-fire cure all for what I like to call Stuck Baby Syndrome, we’d all be popping them out at week thirty-eight.


This is not the case.


Many first-time moms are stuck waiting until week forty-two for their little ones to decide that they would like to join the family out here in all this air, and eat food that isn’t pumped directly through a bellybutton. I have tried (most) of the things on this list and if labor was triggered by any combination of these desperate attempts, or if it could be brought on by sheer desire, uncomfortable hips, lack of sleep, or nursery readiness, we’d be holding our daughter in our arms instead of sitting on the couch staring at my ever-growing belly.


Common sense screams that we should just go about our lives, acting as normally as possible. Labor will surely happen on its own, there is nothing we can do to speed nature along; let’s all be as leaves in the wind, gently floating along with breeze.


But see, I am terrified to float along with the breeze. If this child is anything like me, my water will break while I am (for some unexplainable reason) giving a lecture to a large group of people about the relative dryness of my pants. I cannot let my guard down, not for a minute, because if I do I will end up being one of those women who gives birth in a car and have to gnaw through my own umbilical cord.


I am on constant high alert; I have to be ready for any curve ball this stubborn, beloved child who needs to come out right now may throw.


*An amendment to the original list … writing about how you want your baby to come out will also not cause labor. I am officially out of ideas.

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