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Twenty-five Great Things About Being Pregnant — According to Someone Else

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(Originally written at 28 weeks pregnant with my second son.)

One of the pregnancy email newsletters I signed up to included a link to an article titled Twenty-five Great Things About Being Pregnant. I found it difficult not to scoff a little after reading some of these because they may apply to most people, but I thought about how they might apply to my life. I’m not saying pregnancy sucks—my already crappy life is what makes it suck.

Oh well, things’ll get better when I start looking more pregnant—maybe these jerks will hold the door open for me instead of expecting me to hold the door open for them  …

1. You’re guaranteed to stop traffic whenever you cross the street.
(Ha, that’s bull pucky … I remember crossing the street while I was eight months pregnant with Logan and some @$^&!* didn’t even stop … if I didn’t stop walking, he would’ve surely hit me.)

2. People look at your stomach and can’t help smiling, as if the mere thought of your being pregnant has actually made their day a little bit brighter.
(At seven months, people still don’t even notice … they just look at me weird as always.)

3. You can eat a whole pint of chocolate-chunk ice cream and not feel guilty. Every night.
(I have started eating ice cream every night. Mmmm, Drumsticks—and yes, I do feel guilty … I’d already gained twenty-plus pounds BEFORE my third trimester!)

4. You can—no, you must!—take naps. Lots of them.
(Like there’s ever any time—except at work.)

5. Getting to name another human being.
(… then finding out later on your name of choice is the current flavor-of-the-year. There are so many preschoolers named Logan right now it’s disgusting, and I’d picked that name out in high school. Thank you, X-Men!)

6. Watching your husband turn into a father when he kisses your belly good night, reads to the baby in utero, or stays up until 3:00 a.m. putting the crib together—just in case the baby decides to come eight weeks early.
(I think Logan’s been far more involved than Lucas has … he’s the one kissing and hugging my belly and constantly trying to feed me cookies because “the baby wants them”.)

7. Sex: For once in your life, you’re neither worried about getting pregnant nor trying to get pregnant. You can have sex just for the pure fun of it.
(Psh, like that stopped us before. Condoms, what are those? Oh wait, that’s why this happened in the first place …!)

8. Buying a bathing suit. It’s not about hiding your flaws; it’s about flaunting your belly.
(Yeah, and along with the belly I can flaunt the stretch marks, eczema, swollen extremities, and hair growing in places I can no longer reach while shaving too … PASS.)

9. Those wild, intense, amazing pregnancy dreams in which every remote person from your past makes some sort of appearance. None of these dreams can even begin to be analyzed or understood.
(Oh yay, the nightmares have returned …)

10. The amazing anticipation. It’s like all your previous birthdays and holidays rolled into one.
(All of my birthdays and most holidays royally sucked, so what does that mean?)

11. Imagining the possibilities.
(Of what, labor going horribly wrong?)

12. More personal space! And you have no qualms about claiming it.
(Psh, my “boss” has already tried to move me to a less-solitary desk, because my pregnancy has “interfered” with my work … and that’s supposed to make everything better? Tell me WHY you people asked for a doctor’s note again?! Friggin’-A, I’m just counting down the days till I don’t have to go to that stupid place anymore …)

13. You eat healthier, drink more water, and carefully read ingredient labels. Suddenly, it matters more to you what you put in your body.
(Nothing’s really different in that department…there’s just more folic acid and ice cream. And it’s hard enough trying to make sure I get forty-five grams of protein a day…but eighty?!)

14. In the middle of a boring meeting at work or a meaningless argument, you feel your baby squirming inside you and the sensation takes you away. It’s your own secret communication.
(Hence yet another reason why they think my pregnancy “interferes” with my work. Jeezus, screw that place … I’d quit in a second if it didn’t pay me so well for napping all day  … )

15. Getting to hear the swish swish swish of your baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler.
(Yeah, that’s pretty cool. It’s good to know this thing I’m lugging around for months isn’t dead, after all.)

16. Playing “Guess the part sticking out,” usually at bedtime, when your baby starts moving furniture around or whatever it is he does in there.
(*suppresses inappropriate joke*… He hasn’t shifted around the entire time … the elbows and legs are still in the same place. He’d better move soon because that means he’s sideways.)

17. The extra attention you get from everyone—your husband gives you more foot rubs, and your friends call to check in more often. Neighbors offer to help; coworkers volunteer to get lunch for you; little presents (a bottle of water, an afternoon snack) mysteriously show up on your desk.
(Whoa, hey, whoa…I didn’t know any of that was supposed to happen … everyone ignores me as much now as they always have.)

18. The pregnancy beauty package: thick, silky hair; long, strong nails; beautiful skin; big boobs.
(Would I put up with having eczema and elephant feet for lack of acne and big boobs? … hmm, maybe …)

19. Getting to skip to the front of the line in public rest rooms.
(It’s not the public restrooms I have to wait for … it’s the bathroom at home.)

20. Shopping for a person you haven’t met yet: tiny clothes, all-new furniture, and adorable room decorations.
(Yeah, too bad we don’t have an extra room to keep it in, as we still have all that stuff from the first one.)

21. Dreaming about the first time someone calls you “Mommy” and the first time you hear someone call your husband “Daddy.”
(I already have someone calling me mommy, and I already call the mister “Daddy”…*cough*…)

22. Baby showers! They remind you how special your friends and family think you are.
(Yes, because I most certainly wouldn’t know otherwise. And even THEN everyone flakes on me. Damnit, I’m a magnet for flaky people and cars that don’t stop when I cross the street …)

23. A continuous sense of accomplishment. You can answer, “What did you do today?” with cool things like “I made ears” or simply “I’m making a person. What did you do?”
(Yeah, so screw my “boss” who says I don’t do anything at work!)

24. Spending immeasurable amounts of time trying to remember all those nursery rhymes, children’s songs, and lullabies.
(This kid will be just as advanced as the first one, so hopefully he’ll skip all that and go straight to the Tom Petty as well.)

25. Knowing that all the bad stuff—the heartburn, swollen ankles, backaches, and the rest—doesn’t last forever. And that in the end, it’s all worth it.
(In a year or so all that stuff is a distant memory … until you find out you’re pregnant again. THEN you remember.)

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