Self-love won’t cure swine flu, but that’s pretty much the only shortcoming we can think of:
- Getting a grip on yourself helps teach you the pattern of your own sexual response: What you like, what you don’t like, and what you hate more than anything else in the whole wide world.
- Friggin’ your riggin’ helps you gain control over when and how soon you come: Once you can recognize the point right before the point of no return, you can put on the brakes and avoid premature crashes.
- Polishing your china helps you sleep—right before a nap, or as part of your bedtime ritual.
- Playing with yourself is a great procrastination device/study break/boredom reliever. Way better than smoking or television.
- DIY sex puts a smile on your face by releasing endorphins. So self-administer a mercy f—- after (or better yet, during) a bad day at work.
- Jacking off can help kick-start a tired and listless sex drive.
- Southern comfort puts you first for a change (assuming you’re not usually a selfish b——— ). Do something nice for yourself: Walk your hand home.
- Beating off evens the playing field when you want it more than your partner does. With the wave of a hand, presto: No more frustration!
- Doing the handstroke is a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more you do it (and the earlier you start doing it), the more likely you are to do it into your old age. That image might gross you out now, but wait till you’re seventy.
- Doing the hand jive is cheap and you’re easy, unlike most of your dates.
- Not jerking off at all, according to sexologists, is more likely to lead to psychological problems than jerking off incessantly. This is an about-face from the widespread Victorian belief that shaking the bacon would drive you nuts. So stop the insanity!
- Hand-to-gland combat gives you fresh breath. As long as you brush your teeth when you’re done.
- Testing the plumbing before a date helps keep your head in the game.
- Widespread wanking creates a more sensual world, adds to the supply of international karma, and thus brings us closer to world peace.
- Masturbation is the shortest distance between you and an orgasm. Need we say more?
And one extra one, just for the ladies—because, let’s face it, they’re the ones who need the most encouragement to masturbate more often:
16. Orgasms can help relieve menstrual cramps and PMS, and fight yeast infections by increasing blood flow to the pelvic area. That alone is a pretty good reason to learn how to flick the bean—and flick it well.