Imagine getting into a relationship with a new guy in April. The birds are chirping, the grass is growing, and you are getting along great! This guy is smart, funny, considerate, and the sex is great. August comes around and you see it for the first time… he is wearing a Redskins shirt before bed. “Huh, didn’t know he was into that,” you think to yourself.
Come September things have gotten out of hand. Every time he gets together with his friends all he does is talk about quarterback rating, pass rush, and something called “The Wildcat Formation”. You see him throw something (heavy) for the first time during a game and you slowly realize that you may in fact be dating a psychopath. But fret not, this person is most likely not a lost cause.
Here are some tips for dating an insane football fan — you’ll need them in the next few months.
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1) Never say: "Why do you care about this so much?"
To me football is like boobs in the sense that I like both of them so much but I can’t really accurately explain why. Why am I investing so much emotional energy into cheering for a bunch of spoiled millionaire brats who I probably couldn’t stand if I had to hang out with for any significant amount of time? Really, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that I don’t see this changing, unless a cadre of professional football players kill my entire family or something traumatizing like that. When someone asks me this, I think, “you don’t really want an answer to this question. You just want to start a fight.”
2) Reinforce good behavior
When a die-hard pigskin fan misses a game they really care about to do something that you want to do, that is a big deal. Please acknowledge that, and know the magnitude of sacrifice that has just been made. Is it really an incredible gesture on their part? No. Are there much more meaningful gestures? Yes. In the grand scheme of things, football is stupid. But trust me — expressing appreciation for going to your volleyball game in lieu of watching a big game is a good idea. It means we will do it again in the future.
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3) Get fanatical about something else
If you really think your significant other’s football induced insanity has gone too far, try getting really fired up about something yourself – something particularly unexciting like a nature show would be extra hilarious. They might not realize how far gone they are until they see you decked out in some animal themed t-shirts screaming at the television, “YOU CAN’T LET THE FISH GET AWAY! THAT’S BAD FUNDAMENTALS!”
4) Ask questions
One thing almost every hardcore football fan has in common is they like to pride themselves on knowing even more about the game than the people that are paid to coach it. You don’t have to watch an entire game, but just dropping in and occasionally asking, “what does that penalty mean?” or “is that player good?” will make your man (or woman) feel smart and that’s never a bad thing. The bad news is it will probably also trigger a very long and boring answer. Bring snacks.
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5) Hey ladies: wear one of his football jerseys
Seriously, it’s sexy as hell.