I thought I knew it all. I thought I had my act together. I thought that I would be different from all the other women there were out there. Oh, how I scoffed at all the books, TV shows, radio ads, and church preachings about adultery and indecency in marriages. My heart told me otherwise. “I will be different,” my irrational mind said. “I won’t be like his wife.” Oh, how I secretly envisioned the perfect relationship complete with a white picket fence, two-car garage and a dog named Benjy. As if the perfect relationship could be ordered from the Home Shopping Network! “Yes, I’ll take the he’s-not-my-husband-but-I-want-him special. No, I’ll pass on the one-day-this-will-come-back-to-haunt-me guilt protection. And yes, please place it as a rush order. I’ve got a divorce coming up."
Why is it that as a woman we can be so strong and supportive in the face of life’s most difficult challenges, but, throw a man into the picture and you’re brought to your knees? Where does our logical thinking mind go when a man stares deep into the depths of your soul and simply says “Hi?” Do the butterflies in your stomach somehow float into your heart and give it the false impression of love? What is it that compels us to forsake ourselves, our heart, our very soul just for the satisfaction of a man? A woman can be all things in this world. I’ve seen women work three jobs, raise five kids, be present at all her kids after school activities, and still be sane enough to hold an intelligent conversation with another individual that doesn’t involve supermarket coupons or potty training techniques. I’ve seen women overcome all forms of abuse, both mental and physical, and come out stronger and better in the end. I’ve seen women endure and persevere and bond together for the betterment of herself and her family. I’ve seen all these qualities amongst women and yet I still ask myself how I, as a woman, fell so apart so fast and became so broken from one single man.
My story begins three years ago when I was still married to a good man. I had the typical suburban marriage. House in the suburbs, daily commute to and from work, kids in school with appropriate extracurricular activities, the weekend to unwind, monthly trips to grandma’s house, yearly vacation trips to the beach, and dreams of retiring in the future. My marriage was typical. Conversations to the spouse about the stresses of work, occasional sex during the week, and random bouts of arguments thrown in for good measure. Yes, mine was the simple life. I’m not quite sure when the boredom came into play. I got the itch for something more when I woke up one day and really thought about my simple life. “Do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? What if there’s someone better out there for me? What if?” The problem with questions is that we can’t just ask them without expecting an answer. And the answer always comes. It’s never quite the answer you expect, but it’s always an answer. My answer came in the form of a tall and handsome blue-eyed man we’ll name “Mr. Conservative.” Mr. Conservative was THE answer to all my asked questions. He was eye candy to my sugar free lifestyle. He was polite, respectful, handsome, romantic, funny, and very much married. However, that was okay because so was I. Who needs the single lover when you can have the married lover? This way you don’t feel as guilty because, hey, you’re not the only one cheating, right?
“If he’s just as unhappy as I am then it can’t possibly be all that wrong,” my twisted mind said. “Besides it’s okay because we’re both married so we know not to get too involved.” Mr. Conservative was just so because he kept our relationship at an oh-so respectful distance from his marriage and mine. No meeting up at bars. No drunken late night phone calls. None of that I-hate-my-wife/husband nonsense. It was a business transaction amongst two willing individuals who wanted sex and friendship. It was the perfect illicit affair. All the fun without the calories. The problem with eating whatever you want is that even though the label says “zero calories” chances are it’s really not good for you. Eventually your body rebels. Eventually your mind speaks louder than your heart. Eventually karma catches up with you.
“I’m leaving my wife,” Mr. Conservative said. “Excuse me … what did you say?” I asked as my heart dropped into the bottom of my chest. Mr. Conservative proceeded to tell me how his fifteen years of marriage had come to a head and he wanted out. Of course, his decision was in no way directly related to our two years of weekly sexual encounters and polite conversations. And of course, he was not asking me to divorce my husband either. That was completely my choice. The soul-shattering moment in my life came months later when my soon-to-be ex husband looked at me with red rimmed eyes and said “One day he’ll leave you.”
All the books in the world couldn’t prepare me for what my life would become after the jump into the abyss. All I know is my heart kept telling me, “This was fate. We were meant to be.”Mr. Conservative and I were well on our way to having a legitimate relationship. No more weekly trips to the Budget Motel for our rendezvous. Now it was dinner at his new home and planned vacations. Mr. Conservative told me all the lovely things I wanted to hear, needed to hear. “This is true love,” my twisted heart said. But, my mind kept whispering from deep within my soul … “What begins on lies ends with the truth.” The funny thing about karma is that you think you can outsmart it. You think that if you keep telling yourself good things and doing good deeds they will somehow override all the wickedness you did before. I kept telling myself that as long as I was the compliant ex-wife that wanted to be friends with her devastated ex-husband it would null the guilt that was beginning to rise up in my soul. I told myself that one day my ex-husband would find his true love and get over the pain he felt for me. The funny thing about statements is that like answers they have a way of becoming reality.
“I think we need to break up,” Mr. Conservative said. This time I tried to formulate a response on my mouth, but, somehow it got lost between my heart and my mind. “It’s not you it’s me,” Mr. Conservative said. I tried to listen to what he said after that, but, somehow I was still trying to formulate a response in my mouth from the first statement. I caught fragments of his words such as, “I’m at a point in my life where I’m free to do what I want” and “I need to be sure,” followed by, “Now is the time to explore.” At this point, I somehow found my voice and began using it. I’d be lying if I said my choice of words were all loving and endearing. After two hours of crying, fighting, tears, and “WHY?!” I came to the conclusion that he was really breaking up with me. I was devastated. And like a stopped up drain that is finally free flowing all the things that my soul had tried to whisper to me came back as a flood. Karma had caught up with me.
I’d be wrong if I said that this was all his fault. I’d be wrong if I said that this was all my fault. The truth of the matter is that I was as much a willing participant as Mr. Conservative was. I chose to look outside of my marriage to find fulfillment. I chose a man just like Mr. Conservative who had all the qualities I wanted in a mate. My mistake was looking for these qualities outside of my marriage and not within. I’m lucky … no, blessed, that my ex-husband and I are still friends. I have since made amends with him and asked him for forgiveness. As promised he has since found someone whom is deeply in love and committed to him and he has gotten over the pain I caused him. Now I live with the pain I have caused myself. Now I am learning to forgive myself for all the lies I told my heart. My soul no longer whispers to me. Today I let it talk to me and I’ve learned to listen. I’ve learned that the truth, as hard as it may be, is always better then a lie. A relationship that is founded on lies and betrayals is not a relationship. It’s a car accident waiting to happen. Love’s lesson has taught me to be true to myself and to others. To love myself and forgive myself. I carry the guilt of my misdemeanors with me, but, it shouldn’t brand me for life. As much as I am ashamed for the wrongs I have caused others my life is not defined by what I do. Instead it is defined by what I become and what I choose to do with the experiences of my past. Love’s lesson has taught me to listen to the whisperings of my soul and match it up with the voice of reason in my mind and love in my heart. Love not only for myself, but, for others as well.
