Boys. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Funny how some people can really impact your life and it takes some time to realize just how much they’ve impacted it.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the biggest crush on one of my older brother’s friends. His name is Arthur. I first met Arthur when I was about eleven. My brother had brought him to our house to hang out. When I first saw him, my immediate thought was “Wow. He is cute.” Arthur was sweet; he made me laugh. He always seemed to make me blush and it was quite obvious I was in love with him. So I was only eleven … but I knew that this was a crush, a major crush. Years went by and we both grew older. My brother Joe and Arthur had graduated from high school. Meanwhile, I was only beginning. I still had feelings for Arthur and he was always in the back of my mind. When I’d see him again, those feelings would come flying back to me. I was seventeen and he was twenty-two. Bit of an age difference, I know. But hey, age is just a number right?
I had been with a guy for about a year. His name was Matt. He was very kind, but I always knew, he was not the right guy for me. He was, how should I say it … too nice. He actually began to drive me insane. We would never fight, and I actually hated it. I wanted there to be at least one thing we’d disagree on and it seemed I couldn’t find it. Until I found out he was “straight edge.” Meaning, he didn’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes or anything like that. Matt was two years older than I was. He had been through high school already and I was only a junior. I wanted to experiment and try new things with friends. Since my brother Joe was older, he would have small gatherings at the house. Nothing crazy, just a few close friends, most of which I knew for a while. We’d all hang out in the back yard and sit by a good fire. Have a few drinks and just tell stories. Like I said, nothing crazy. Just, relaxation.
Arthur would attend most of those fires and I just could not keep my eyes off of him. We’d talk and he’d tell me how much I’d grown up and ask me all about school. He’d offer me cigarettes and I’d kindly accept them. We sat around the fire all night and just talked about everything under the sun. It was perfect. Until Matt called me.
“What are you doing?” Matt asked. I responded, “Oh, I’m in the backyard with Joe and a few of his friends.” Matt didn’t seem too thrilled. “Are you drinking?” He asked. I lied. “No.” Of course Arthur heard Matt through the phone. “Tell him to stop by for a few beers.” Arthur said, not knowing he was completely against all of that. Matt heard him. “Oh, so you’re not drinking huh?” Matt hung up. I honestly didn’t even care. I was having a good time. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wasn’t drunk. I was completely fine. Matt kept calling me and I kept ignoring him. Until he decided to show up at my house …
Matt walked to the back of the yard where we were all huddled together around the fire. Joe had passed me his pipe I accepted it and took a few hits. Matt looked at me. He was crying. I was embarrassed. Not because I was caught, but because everyone knew “he was my boyfriend.” I went to stand up and go talk to Matt. I was high as a kite. I almost fell over. Matt and I walked towards his car. He was crying. I thought to myself, “Are you kidding me? Stop being such a little girl! Boys don’t cry over stupid little things like this!” I was angry. Very angry. I told Matt, “How dare you show up here and embarrass me in front of everyone like that!” Matt responded, “I knew you were lying to me. I didn’t know what to do.” I told him to leave me alone and to stop being a, well you know what. After I finally got him to leave I went back to the fire. I was still angry and my nice high was ruined. I grabbed a beer and drank up. Then another and another. I told Arthur I wanted to break up with Matt. He just wasn’t for me. I needed someone strong and brave. Someone who wouldn’t judge me. Someone like Arthur.
The next day I was on the beloved MySpace. I posted a new status that said, “I believe, we both might just secretly love each other…”
Arthur, responded. He wrote “Aww … that’s cute.”
I was excited. He was actually talking to me. So what if it only said that. He still said something to me. Arthur and I had messaged back and forth for a while. I kept dropping hints that it was he, who I had been so in love with I told him how I wasn’t exactly feeling it with Matt. I told him why and Arthur completely understood. He told me, “If it’s not there, then it isn’t there. You can’t force yourself to love someone.” Everything he said to me was so true and I felt so much the same about everything he was saying.
Summer finally rolled around and I was invited to go camping with Joe’s good friend Will and his girlfriend Cassie. I packed my things and off we went. We drank and carried on sharing stories about all types of things. Will’s brother Pat and his “crew” came a little later on. It was officially a great time. Joe wasn’t there he and his girlfriend were having problems of their own. A few drinks later and a few more logs burnt down by the flames and I saw headlights. At first we all panicked thinking it was a park ranger, but then we realized those bright LED lights were Joe’s headlights.
I was happy my brother decided to come out and join. I sat at the picnic table just staring into the fire, which seemed to captivate me. Joe pulled up. His lights blinding us a little bit then I heard his door slam. Then another. Someone was with him, but who? Joe and a dark figure walked towards the fire. It was Arthur. My heart was jumping. I was nervous and excited and a little bit drunk at this point. Arthur and Joe walked up saying their hello’s to everyone making there way around the circle of people. Arthur made his way over towards me and sat down.
“Where’s Matt at?” He asked. I told him we weren’t talking. He just replied with a shrug. Arthur got up and talked with Will and everyone. I grabbed another drink and sat quietly. Cassie brought her iPod with her so we put on some music. We’d pass it around and everyone would pick a song and we’d have to listen to it. About six songs later and it was given to Arthur. Everyone else just kept talking to one another and not really paying attention. My eyes were fixed on Arthur. He looked up and said, “You guys are gonna think I’m dumb, but its a good song.” He looked at me then to the fire.
Wonderwall by Oasis. If you haven’t heard it, download it now. If you have, you know it truly is a great song. For as long as I live I will never forget what happened next …
“Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do…”
Everyone still talking yet the faint sound still played on. Gazing at the fire. I felt the need to look away. To look up…
…I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now…”
My eyes met with Arthur’s just at that moment when I heard those amazing words, “I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now…”
I can’t really describe his expression, but it felt like in that moment, we both realized something was there between us. Some sort of connection. Some feeling. Maybe even love. Our eyes seemed to meet for what seemed hours. Everyone else around me seemed to fade away. I didn’t hear anything or feel anything. It was just Arthur and me in that moment together. Arthur adjusted his hat and looked down at the ground. I looked back to the fire. Our eyes met a few more times that night, if only for a few seconds … but it will never be the same as it was in the moment.
To be continued.
