Auld Lang Thank GOD It's Over

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I was cautiously optimistic and well, drunk on New Years Eve, 2010.  Eager to escape some bad stuff going on with my husband, his work, and a hurtful rumor, I turned toward champagne and a percocet to help ease the hurt.  I smiled and toasted good bye to a bitter December.  Little did I know, 2012 was going to kick my freaking butt.

I'm a mom of two, married for 15 years to my best friend, living the dream.  But this year, my insecurities and vulnerabilities were that of a 14 year old girl.  Jealousy, rage, anger, hurt feelings, isolation, blame, hopelessness, sadness, depression.  Yes, I lost control of who I was.  And even worse than that – I let what was happening in my life define me.     I also lost  2 friends – one by choice ( I defriended her because of aforementioned rumor) and one not really by choice.  My mother had a serious injury and a life threatening complication, which required me to dedicate 3 months of my time to her care.  This happened while I was at my lowest point in my marriage, coincidentally.  And as a result of my mothers health, my sister and I had a huge fight and are no longer speaking.  

Where should I begin?  I'll start with my marriage.  My husband failed to tell me a rumor that was started about him and a co-worker.  There was no truth to the rumor and it was started because my husband was questioning the leadership in his old job.  Needless to say, when I found out about the rumor I was mad.   To make matters worse, this co-worker was going to his new job with him and his partner.   I met with my husband the co-worker and her husband and made it very clear just how hurtful this rumor and "coverup" had been.   I was assured that there was never anything going on – and I believed it.  But my hatred toward this woman was written.  I was also mad at
the person who started the rumor and defriended anyone who I knew perpetuated the rumor.   I was angry and
embarrassed and mad, so mad.  

Well, my husband started his new job and I tortured him with my insecurities about this co-workers.  It was a horribly ugly cycle of hatefulness.  I cried daily.  I shared my pain with no-one.  I would lash out at him unfairly.  I wanted  him to understand the depths of my embarrassment and pain.  Life sucked.  My children were functioning without my true attention because I was overcome with hurt.  

I believed that my husband was honest and he lied to me.  He claimed that it was to protect me, but a lie is a lie, right?  Well, perhaps it was an instinct, but I checked his text messages.  There were hundreds and hundreds of messages from this co-worker.  My heart stopped when I found them on our bill.  I had been checking his phone randomly but he had been deleting them from her.  That was the darkest day for me.  I confronted him and her and the other partner about this.  I yelled and screamed and have never in my life been so cruel and mean to another human being.  They claimed that nothing ever happened, denied a relationship and claimed that I was over-reading things.  They claimed it was a friendship only.  I declared that it crossed the line and it needed to stop.

Was I going to leave my husband over a non-affair?  Yes, he lied.  He did.  I wanted her gone from our lives and from his work.  I demanded it and he doesn't have the power to do so.  So here we are a year later.  My heart still hurts over the fact that I was duped and that she still works with him.  I still check his texts and double check where
he is, etc.  Not compulsively, but still.  It's been months of hurt and pain and pretending.

I have chosen NOT to give her power over me and my marriage.  I have chosen NOT to torture my husband with my insecurities, fears, and hatred.  I don't acknowledge her when I see her.  I did seek revenge on her this year.  This I've shared with no one, but it wasn't very gratifying.  A piece of my soul died this year.  

This has rewritten our story – mine and my husband's.  Ours is a great love story.  One our friends covet and one that will be told from generation to generation.  And it's been screwed with… 

Losing my friendships this year has added to my loneliness.  The gossipy friend that I caught repeating and digging for dirt about the rumor, who never came to me to see if I was ok – that friend, I know was not that great of
a friend to me.  After I de-friended her, it dawned on me that she talks badly about EVERYONE…why did I think that I'd be exempt?  

The second friendship that I've lost saddens me.  I thought this friend was my person.  You know, the type of friend that you talk to 3 times a day, almost every day, that can finish your sentences and dislikes the same people as you do? This friend knows about the rumor and hurt that I experienced but I never deeply confided in her after the initial shock wore off.  She doesn't know of the turmoil of my marriage this past year, nor did I share with her my sufferings.  I retrospect, I'm thankful that I didn't share this pain with her.  Or maybe it's because I closed myself off to her that she turned away.  It hurts either way.  We've never acknowledged that our friendship has changed.  We've never had harsh words or texts.  Still, it hurts.  I can see now that her priorities are much different than mine are at this time and I hope that with time, we can find our friendship again.  

My relationship with my sister has always been difficult.  It's complicated by the love for our mother.  I long for a sister who could encourage and share secrets with me.  I long for this sister who could have seen my heart breaking this year, and who would have said, "Are you OK? Can I help you?"  

The relationship with my sister is broken for many reasons.  There is a pattern of bad behavior that has led up to this recent break.  I know that she will always be in my life but I have no hope for a true reconciliation.  Every memory from my childhood involves her causing trouble.  Its the classic bad child who's behavior is always accepted because its easier to ignore the bad behavior than cut the tie.  That's why my mom allows her to be moody, demanding and mean – and that's why I just don't put up with it.  

Perhaps the break in my relationship with my sister had to happen this year because I needed to stand up for myself.  I have been so emotionally labile this year and I couldn't stand to be bullied by her for another minute. Maybe I lashed out on her because I was at my wit's end and needed desperately to stomp my foot and stand up for what is right.  

The loss of friendships has made me thankful for the friends that I do have.  I am careful not to dwell on negatives with my close friends.  I try to be a good listener and to be an attentive friend.  I know just how important these qualities are.  Losing friendships has forced me to seek and rekindle other friendships as well.   I guess that I have learned a lot from the losses.  Perhaps I am even grateful?

As for my marriage, I still love my husband and he still loves me.  He's done everything possible to prove his love and commitment to me and our kids.  I would love to be able to say that I've totally forgiven him and I think that's what I SHOULD say.  Forgive, forget – is it merely a perspective?

Like most women, I have a tendency to do what is expected of them.  I am always attuned to what others are needing and wanting from me.  I don't like showing anger and rage.  I don't like drawing attention to my feelings that will "rock the boat".   I need to stop being a wussy and speak my mind.  When appropriate, with a smile, speak my mind.  Definitely something to strive for.

I'm through wallowing in the events of this past year.  Time to deal with what is, not what was.  Pity party is over.  Let's head into the New Year with hope and enthusiasm.  The only one that can write my story is me.


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