My boyfriend and I have been dating for about four months now. We have a great sex life but he wants more: he wants me to try anal sex with him. The problem is that I don’t want to. I’ve never done this and I’ve never wanted to. We’re very adventurous otherwise—we’ve had sex in public places, we’ve tried toys, we’ve watched porn together. But I just can’t get into the whole anal thing. He thinks I’m being selfish. What do you guys think?—EA, Seattle, Washington
The straight girl’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
Selfish? You’re giving it up in public bathrooms, for God’s sake! Maybe your boyfriend needs to get familiar with a dictionary because it sounds like you’re (understandably) more apprehensive than selfish.
The good news is, you’re comfortable enough to talk about it, so you’re good communicators in addition to good fornicators. Well done.
I’ve gotta say though, I’m with you on this one, EA—I’m not an ass girl. But maybe if we talk through this together, we can figure out what it is that’s making you nervous.
First of all, ask yourself what it is about this that you’re resisting. If you’ve never tried it, how do you know you don’t like it? There are two pages of anal toys on Good Vibes—clearly there are lots of people who do like it, so maybe anal play has its merits.
I did a mini survey of my female friends to get some more insight and learn what they feared in the world of anal sex. Here’s what I found: the feeling of putting something in there makes them feel like something might accidentally come out … you pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down, EA? Is that your fear? Because I get it; most people don’t want to associate sex with solids. But, here’s the good news: during this same mini-survey, a couple of women told me they weren’t into anal sex, but that stimulation of “the area” during foreplay and sex was a huge turn-on—provided there was no penetration. Maybe there’s a happy medium for you and your boyfriend after all. Why not try a little stimulation first—just test the waters, maybe dip a toe in. (That’s a bad analogy—I recommend keeping the toes out of the ass in the beginner phase.). If you like it, graduate to actual penetration, and if you like that, who knows what’s next? A round of butt plugs for everyone! But EA, only try it if you decide you want to. Make sure he knows you are the one in control of this situation. (From the sound of your sex life, it sounds as if you’ve played that game before.)
The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy
Hey, I’m all for being adventurous, and from the sound of it, so are you two. But I’m not at all into making someone do something she’s not comfortable with. You’ve set a boundary (and it doesn’t sound like you set many) and your boyfriend has to respect that. He’s the one being selfish and greedy and he needs to back off … literally.
That said, it is interesting that someone as open-minded as you won’t do something that seems relatively equal to some of the other sexual activities you’re undertaking. So your reticence may be confusing to him. Maybe you want to explain this more thoroughly to him.
I’m wondering why you’re against this. Don’t take this the wrong way but you have every right not to want to do the anal thing, but perhaps since you’ve set a precedent of promiscuity with this guy, he may be led to believe that with a little nudging … he can do a little more nudging.
Be really clear that this is not something you can be talked into … in more than one way. (Sorry, these bun puns are too easy.)
It’s important that you don’t get behind on this because if you do, you’re going down a slippery slope. (I’m terrible and I must be stopped.)
Consider this: if someone is given many toys (not necessarily those kinds of toys!) to play with, that person runs the risk of decreasing his or her appreciation for them. If someone is only given a few toys to play with, he or she is likely going to experience a heightened appreciation of those toys. I might recommend cutting down on the carte blanche of your relatively new (four months) sex life with this partner and getting back to the basics. It might be the best way to ensure that your best times are in front of you.
The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox
Tell him you’ll try it if he’ll try it. When he tilts his head to the side and gives you that “but how could we do that” look, tell him they make all kinds of things that would allow him to experience the same sort of sensation he’s asking you to experience. Hell, they even make things that would allow you to experience it at the same time. When he says, “But I don’t really want to do that,” you’ll have your sweet revenge.
It’s cool to be adventurous, even try the anal thing if you want to, but make sure you do it because you want to. Why does he want to try anal intercourse in the first place? Has he heard that it’s better and he just wants confirmation? Did he try it with some other girlfriend and he thinks he’s missing that in his relationship with you? Get to the bottom of the situation (yes, pun intended) to see why he wants to go down that path. That may help answer some questions for you and open up a whole new line of communication in the process. If he’s like most guys, he’s probably going to feel a little uncomfortable even answering the questions, and he may even get a little embarrassed and clam up. He might also shy away from ever bringing it up again. Either way, remember that it’s your body, not his. Do with it what you want, not what he expects you to do.
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
Both of you need to relax, literally and figuratively. That’s the key here. I’m wondering what turns you off about this—is it the possibility of pain or what? You mention that you are a sexually adventurous person, so what makes this taboo for you? Many people I know—men and women—are turned off by the idea of any anal play. “In the end,” some learn to enjoy it while others do not. You may not want to experiment with your boyfriend for your first time, but instead safely and slowly on your own. (If you know what I mean.) If you’re looking for inspiration, there are many good books on how to do this.
It worries me a bit that your boyfriend is calling you selfish for not wanting to check this out. That seems unfair and immature on his part. If he presses the issue, he’s the selfish one. Don’t check it out just to prove to him that you’re not selfish. And if you do some experimenting and find that this isn’t something you want to pursue, good for you.
If he really just can’t let this go, try turning the tables on him and suggest that he be on the receiving end of this scenario. See how willing he is then.
We all have our limits and if he’s not going to respect yours, then perhaps he’s the one with something stuck up his ass.
Read Part Three of July’s 4-Way column.
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