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The Booty Text

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“Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love” –Woody Allen


 I can remember when the phrase “booty call” first made its rounds. Yeah, yeah, I am old, haha funny funny. The advent of the cell phone made for easier access to someone when they were out, inebriated, and very low on inhibitions; however, the text message has brought this level of ease to an entirely new plateau, especially when you are out and unable to hear because the band is too loud. The “booty-text” is all the craze these days, just look around any bar at 1 a.m. … the number of people texting will make you laugh out loud (or LOL for you texters). Now, not all of those individuals are trying to get some text-booty; however, I am certain the actual number would surprise you.


Both men and women share equal guilt in this phenomenon. The ease and lack of intimacy of a simple text can take a lot of the anxiousness out of seeking sexual relief late in the evenings. Text messages are the bane of our existence and I have been sucked into the damn things as much as the next person. Texting in the car, texting in the line at the grocery store, texting at work … the one place I won’t stoop (literally and figuratively) to texting is when I am on the crapper … you have to draw the line somewhere, right? Don’t act all shocked, I am sure most of you have crossed that line.


So back to the booty-text, I think there should be some rules to go by in order to keep this phenomenon from bringing down centuries old mating rituals. For starters, there should be a time limit on when you can booty-text. I think thirty minutes after the sale of liquor stops … here in Dallas that would be 2:30 a.m. Anyone who is going to get booty-text-ass should be set by 2:30 a.m. and if you have not gotten things set up by then, then you are just going to have to go home and do what you have to do. Secondly, make sure the person you are texting doesn’t have to work the next day and that it is someone you know somewhat intimately … you don’t want to booty-text the girl/guy you just met the night before and talked to once. Remember, just because you are booty-texting doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be respectful. Thirdly, there is no point in being coy. If you are texting someone that late and you are not asking for a ride because you drank too much or getting directions to an after party, then you obviously have found yourself in the middle of a booty-text; therefore, get straight to the point because not everyone has gone to the unlimited text feature with their cell phone yet. For instance, instead of texting, “Hi!! Wut up? How r things going with u? Did u have a good wk? We r leaving the club & I was seeing if u r still up.” Say something like this, “What up! OMG We did a lot of shots & I m screaming horny. I thought I would txt u 2 c if u were down 2 get freaky.” This may sound rather blunt but come on … WHO texts that late and wants to know how your week went?? Nope, they are booty-texting, but who knows the booty-textee might appreciate your honesty and be down with your freakiness! This is a unisex phrase and can be freely used by my readers. If they text you back with more than an “LOL you’re wasted, go to bed” then you’re probably in there. If they don’t respond then don’t pester, merely move on to the next letter in the alphabet in your contacts list, but ladies and gentlemen please keep in mind the golden rule … don’t go sleeping with someone you find sexually unappealing, I am telling you that this is a curse, which will stick with you for seven years. You might as well break some glass because if you do break the golden rule, then people you really do find attractive will invariably sense that you put aside your standards to get some and they will be repulsed by the thought of getting freaky with you. Ok. Fourthly, don’t try to make them horny through text in order to further your cause, if they are, believe me, they will let you know. Keep this in mind if they are not down and you try to get them in the mood they will show their friends the next day, I promise. Trust me when they are showing your texts to their sober friends over breakfast the next day, it doesn’t look sexy and they WILL laugh at you. (Side Note: If you think the opposite sex doesn’t talk about their intimate encounters then you are naïve and you are not ready to enter the realm of booty-texting; therefore, you should have a booty-text lockout feature installed on your phone.)


Now, I am going to say something here that may come back to haunt me someday but if you are not in a relationship or have been dating someone for only a little while then perhaps you should think twice about the whole booty text/call thing … eventually, it is going to get you in trouble. If you are in a strong and happy relationship then you really should be OUT with someone you care for or at least have decided before hand that you would meet each other later in the night … there really isn’t anything more special then enjoying time with someone you love; however, if you are floating around single and ready to mingle and you feel as though you must booty-text then make sure you have your phone prepared with a booty-text-condom … yes girls, you should have one too if you are part of the booty-text generation. Hell, accessorize the thing and have like a booty-text-condom holder right there on your phone … labeled with “break in case of emergency”. Ok, I hope this little blog helps in your day to day booty-texting needs and remember to booty-text responsibly!


“Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”

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