Both Calling It Quits and Moving On? Help!

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I have been in a relationship for over twenty years. I have been controlled for over thirteen years. I was made to believe I could do nothing without him. He used my son to control me; he kept me home and always told me no. I was not allowed to spend money; I had to ask permission. He abused my son with mind games also. He controlled sex, told me I was stupid, told me my family was stupid, told me to get a job, and then when I did, he complained about me working and telling me to stay home. He had me sign a paper that said if I divorced him, I would have to pay him $24,000. He started arguments and then he’d go out. I would fix dinner and he would eat when he wanted. He had friends telling me he was out running around, having sex with strippers, etc., trying to get me to leave. I finally got a good job, and was let go after a year and a half. He was very happy about it, hoping that everything would go back to normal. While working, I was trying to get him to clean up at home and fix dinner instead of waiting for me. He was very angry about it all. I was depressed for a couple of months. I was ready to leave when I was working and made plans to divorce him. But I had lost my job. Then he was telling me that his money was my money and also said, “Why don’t you tell me when you spend money? Is it because you’re tired of me yelling at you for spending it?” “Yes,” I answered.

He has changed, but I believe only because he knows I am unhappy. He is not any more helpful than before, but he’s nicer. I have been so stressed and depressed because I want him to leave. Hey, I would give him everything in the house just so he would go. But he can’t get the house, and he doesn’t like that. And he has made sure I have no vehicle. Then four and a half months ago, I was told he had been caught looking in the neighbor’s windows, watching a twenty-something and nineteen-year-old. That was it for me. I have given him no sex; I don’t want him to touch me. He is very angry, and has been telling everyone I am screwing around, which I am not. He needs to leave and I am trying to get him to do it on his own. He doesn’t ask me about anything. He drinks every night as he always has. He has a problem. But I can’t find a job, and I haven’t told him why. I have spoken to a lawyer, but not done anything.

I need help to let go of the security, and soon. I fear that he will hit me and not stop. His kids have always told me not to leave their dad. I am ready for this to be over, but I want him to take the steps to go. I cannot leave my house, or he can take it. Me leaving is like giving the house to him. I need a job and some self-esteem. I wish he would go. Please God, help me.


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