In the last two months, I’ve been asked two questions as far as infidelity was concerned and it wasn’t hard to think of the answers to these questions. In the past, I have been cheated on by an ex-boyfriend (whom I went out with prior to meeting my husband) and I have been the cheater as a result of those past hurts. I didn’t think I would find someone who really loved me, so I was blinded when I met my husband. When he came into my life, I guess you could say that I had what I now call a Relationship Defense Mechanism. As a result of being hurt in all of my so-called relationships, I’d tell myself that I would hurt them before they even got the chance to hurt me. I remember having the same mentality when I was a fourteen-year-old girl with some of the guys I had crushes on. It worked out well on my crushes because they knew I was only crushing on them.
However, as an older and more mature young lady, I had relationships and still didn’t know what guys wanted from me. I knew it was sex, but there had to be more to keep them. I knew what I wanted from them: I wanted love, I wanted them to accept me and my personality, I wanted a “real” relationship because I’d never had that before, and I sure didn’t know what it looked or even felt like. So, long story short, when I met my husband we were moving really fast and I didn’t know when it became official because it seemed all too real. Check out more of this personal story here to learn more about the concept of why I did what I did, how it turned out, and what I’m going through now.
Okay, enough about me. Let’s go back to the questions I was asked earlier. One question was:
How can someone prove their loyalty to you after they broke your trust? I’m having an issue with my bf, or rather with myself. He cheated on me … and I’m trying to hard to forgive him…How can he prove his loyalty and honesty to me? I’m so broken over this … I keep thinking, why would he cheat again? It defeats the purpose of the effort, the things he said, and also I’m wondering why he chose me; if it’s because he’s in love, why?
I answered: This is something that you and your boyfriend will need to sit down and talk about. You can’t get over it or forgive him until you honestly talk about it with one another. I know there must be questions running through your head about what he did, why he did it, who he did it with, why he chose you, does he love you or did he ever love you, and the question you just posed here. When you sit down with him, I think you do need to ask him the exact questions I asked here and tell him to be honest with you before you bombard him with questions.
Based on the way you asked this question, it tells me that you don’t want to forgive him; it may have just happened and you haven’t gotten around to talking to him yet, but if you do as I have advised you, won’t have a problem. Before you do choose to forgive him, write down and consider where you stand, what type of person you are, what type of person he is, and is he worth forgiving. He can prove his honesty to you by answering your questions like a man; as far as honesty goes, it’ll depend on the answers to your questions because I know some of them will be mind-boggling or hard to grasp. If he answers your questions honestly, he’s shady, and he’s not going to be loyal to you because he’s immature. This’ll be hard to do, but it needs to happen, especially if you want to trust and forgive him again or if you need to move on for yourself.
The other question is one I have yet to answer but it encouraged this article nonetheless. The question was: Do you ever REALLY get over an infidelity, and is it REALLY “once a cheater, always a cheater”?
My answer will be: First of all, I don’t believe in the quote, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t believe in that quote because there is always room for change. Let me explain something—not everyone wants to change. I guess you can say that I’m the type of person who believes that anybody can change as long as they know the key to changing. I believe the key to changing is being responsible enough to take action. When you’re responsible enough to take action, you’re more able to admit the wrongs you’ve done, why you’ve done them, who you done them with, and answer all questions honestly to those you have hurt. When you’re that responsible enough to consider your own actions, your partner’s feelings, and close it off with the third party, you’ll be able to change and only for the better, but only with the cheater’s cooperation and participation.
Second, you can get over infidelity by being true to yourself. A way to be true to yourself is to keep a journal—write in it how you found out about the cheating, how you honestly feel about cheating, how you feel about your partner who has cheated, how you feel about the person he cheated with, what questions might you have for the partner who cheated, how was your relationship before the cheating, what you want from this relationship or another relationship (if you were to move on), etc. Make a list of questions you want to know from him. All of this is important because I know just how much cheating can affect a person regardless of who they were in the relationship. Saying as much as I have, it’s up to you to make your decision whether or not you want to stay with this person or move on. The purpose of keeping the journal is to learn a few lessons about relationships and better yourself.