Here are some candid pointers for men looking for a relationship:
- Look when you’re “separated.” If you are not legally free of your wife, wait until you are.
- Try to get new woman to avoid feeling your pain. Get your head straight before putting yourself out there to date.
- Expect your new woman to understand why you’re in debt to the moon. If you have nothing to offer, are essentially living out of your car, and showering at your workplace or the gym, get real.
- Blame the divorce on your ex-wife. If you don’t own some part of how you got to where you are now at and how your kids are going to have to live with their family being ripped down the middle, then you’re an immature jerk and I don’t want to know you.
- Expect me to step in and raise your kids. I’ve raised mine and you should do the same. I’ll never be their mother and I honestly don’t want to. I’d be supportive of them, but am not their parent.
- Say you’re tired of frozen dinners and that you hope I can cook. I hope you learn how to cook and quit acting like you’re still ten years old, thinking your dinner just appears every night.
- Think I’m in the mood for your toxic ex-wife trying to disrupt my life, because I’m not. Get the drama over with before a new relationship or you won’t have one at all, because you’re really not worth all of that trouble.
- Be sugary: sweet is nice, but too much is sickening—and fake. Just be yourself.
- Tell me you “do everything” for your grown kids. They better do something for themselves by the time they’re done getting the college education you paid for.
- Be best friends with your ex-wife. Civil is good. Anything more than that and I’ll be left to wonder why you ever divorced.
- Blather on about all of the traveling you have done. What is up with people going on trips and then bragging about it? It’s nice you were able to do it, but most of us can’t and don’t and we’re not impressed.
- Tell me in the same sentence that you’re forty-seven and that you “definitely want kids.” Guess what, buddy? You waited too long! You’re probably not having kids and you better be okay with that.
- Tell me how passionate you are or how, once I kiss you, I’ll want to keep kissing you. Get over yourself! You sound ridiculous.
- Say you’re “fun-loving.” I cringe when I hear this.
- Talk about your car or motorcycle like it’s a child. It’s not. Someday it will be next to mine in a junkyard. If it isn’t breathing, it doesn’t really matter.
- Call and text other women and think I won’t find out. I will. And the truth is it will be your own stupid arrogance that trips you up.
- Live with Mom and Dad. I don’t care what you have to do. Have your own apartment when you start dating again.
- Hang out at bars. Enough! You should have had that out of your system by now.