It was three years and two days ago that I first thought I was holding the love of my life. It all began back in college when we met through my then-boyfriend at his apartment. I left my college town in August ‘05 but remained in contact with him (the current ex), albeit, through first emails and eventually phone calls. He and I remained great long distance friends for a year and a half.
I went to Europe the fall after graduation. While there, I decided it would be nice to bring along my dinky, cheap travel size Ibanez. I thought I would spend my time roaming around different countries like an American singer-songwriter going through a journey of self-discovery. The truth is that I knew only open chords and could play only one song. In one town, a German couple even stopped and clapped. Guess what happened next? I left my beloved guitar on a train when I had to make a switch in France. My poor little guitar went towards Paris, as I was heading to Geneva.
My most current “former” Mr. Wonderful reminded me a year later, around Christmas time, that he worked at a music store and offered to get me a great deal on a new, quality Martin travel sized guitar. He is very tall with a heartwarming presence, although younger. I should mention that I was still casually dating his friend at the time and wanted to believe that nothing would come of this visit. We made and broke several plans but finally I relented and traveled two hours to see him on Dec. 28th. He welcomed me with open arms and wine. He treated me to a sushi dinner (my fave) and then we went back to his house to play and listen to music until sunrise. He even asked me if it would be okay for him to kiss me; completely corny but I was smitten.
As luck would have it, I finally broke it off with our mutual connection and ten days later we were official. We fast-forward three years and two days to now. He’s moving out on Thursday due to my wishes. This was asked of him less than two weeks ago. Suddenly, I’m freaking out. I wanted this thing to be over but now I can’t stop crying because it will be in two days.
I remember the anger and feeling resentment towards Mr. Wonderful because he became Mr. Human. I learned all of his bad habits and his faults, most of which I was able to ignore. Unfortunately, something changed a year ago and I think I realized that I am ready for a husband and children and he isn’t there yet. He is still working the same dead end sales job and could not predict when he may be ready for the aforementioned details. This resentment built up over the year and finally erupted in the earlier part of this December.
I recognize that I became the typical, naggy, bitchy female and took on an annoyingly motherly role in our relationship. I hated who I had become, now wonder why I had, and why I had chosen this younger guy to be the love of my life. I wonder how I became the person that I see before me. I really feel like I have some more self-discovering to do before giving myself over to someone, whomever he might be.
Now the true end is approaching, I’m a mess! I am so conflicted between thinking we’re on different wavelengths and also realizing that I truly love this young man in the process. I just don’t think it’s enough but I’m so afraid to let him go and then realize I made a horrible mistake. He might realize that he put me so far on a pedestal that he never bothered to notice that he couldn’t stand me. He might be so hurt that he can no longer trust me, if I attempt to reconnect in a few months because I miss him terribly. I’m so scared of both keeping him around and letting him go. I feel like my head and my heart are going to explode. All I want to do is hold his hand and have him lay next to me. The tears come in waves but I want to smile/laugh and cry together. I’m confusing him, as much as, I’m confusing myself and it’s not fair. Remember- I’m the one who broke up with Mr. Wonderful because he wasn’t ready … why am I the biggest mess?
My hope is that I get through tomorrow and the day after and perhaps I will see some clarity …
