I believe my soulmate and I are connected. If I’m hearing him now, I hear “fix this.” There’s only a couple of ways. He’d have to put me in better housing so he could visit me. He’d also have to get something fixed so something would work in case he did show up, or he’ll have to zip his lips about many things.
I wanted more than he could give. There are only two reasons I’d settle for anything. One, I fell for him. And two, I’m too sick to go soulmate-hunting anymore. If he would put me in a better place and fix something, I would settle for only part of him because I’ve come to believe that’s possibly more than I could handle anyway. Two little hot heads sitting in a tree … k-i-s-s-i-n-g. But let that stop, then there’s f-i-g-h-t-i-n-g. Then somebody needs to go hang out in another tree for a while. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Otherwise I don’t want to flirt via IM. I don’t want an online sexual relationship to make up for a real life one I can’t have. Hearing about how pretty/beautiful/sexy I am isn’t going to fix me and turn me into a sex goddess. If I could be independent, it wouldn’t be so I could be a taken man’s occasional booty call. If the crap hadn’t hit the fan, we would’ve never met.
The only people in the world in any position to help me think I’m a hypochondriac and a drama queen. They wouldn’t help me or even call people for me. Then we don’t need to discuss my personal problems either. I don’t need advice. I don’t need links. I didn’t want to die alone, but sometimes people do. No, I’ll never try to dump my problems on a man again. It’s either agencies, orgs, pros, or even online support places made for people like me. And I know how to Google just fine, thank you.
When I first went to him and his online home, I talked to someone who’s read as many if not more books than me. One gal said she would love to invite us to her den or living room for a discussion … we could keep it up forever when it comes to religions and history. I believe this was my soul mate … so sneaky is he. I miss this part of our relationship. I wish we could go back to that. Can’t we?
But there’s another option. I handed over my trust and people abused it. They could continue doing so … but it’ll be turned over. I won’t have seeds planted when I don’t know who’s planting them. I started this, so I can’t do much now, but once I’m dead, who knows? Killing somebody with hatred and cruelty or pushing them into suicide is all the same thing as murder. My family once said things about me and they’ve turned out true. His family once said he’d see prison. It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings … and I don’t hear anybody singing.