Dear Dr. Romance,
My husband left me this past April. We are in our early twenties and we have been together since we were teenagers. We grew together so well, until he left me. He is Hispanic and very dominating and controlling. He wants to call all the shots and refuses to compromise. I love him so much and can’t find strength to stay or leave. I’m not sure which of the two I want more. But I just can’t picture my life without him. He’s difficult to talk to and does not have the least bit of concern as to how much he hurts me. Do you have any advice that can help me get through to him?
I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble. If he’s been gone since April, is he interested in coming back? I’m guessing that, as you grew up, you didn’t want to be controlled as much as in the past, and started to stand up for yourself. If he doesn’t have, “the least bit of concern as to how much he hurts me” how much can he really love you?
I don’t think you’ll want to hear my advice, but I recommend that you let him go, and get into counseling for yourself. I don’t know if you have children, a job, or depend financially on him, so I don’t know how difficult your situation is.
Actually, letting him go and moving on in your life is the best way to get him back. He can leave you easily now, because he thinks you’ll always be there. If he thinks you’re going to become self-sufficient, and he might lose you, he’ll probably come back. I hope you get independent enough that you can take care of yourself and not need him.
Read “Letting Go Takes Love” which will help you understand what it means to let go. Also “What is a Dysfunctional Relationship?” which will help you understand what went wrong, and “Your Primary Relationship” which will help you begin to turn things around. How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free will help you learn how to create a partnership based on mutual respect. Good luck to you.