Dear Dr. Romance:
I am a male Kenyan, married with two daughters. Of late, I have totally lost urge for sex and it can only appear once per week though a weak one. Outside affairs are normal in my religion, but whenever I see a beautiful lady suddenly the mind switches to sex and I go to an extent of hooking her and talking about sex, though have never had sex outside marriage. Kindly advise me on how I can resume my initial romance with my wife. I am very embarrassed.
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I think your problem can be solved. I’m glad you haven’t had sex outside your marriage. Feeling guilty won’t help your situation.
As we get older, and are in a long-term relationship, the motivation for sex changes. It is no longer based on the conquest of a pretty face, but should come from the heart. In order for your intimate relationship to be strong in your marriage, you and your wife need good communication and closeness. When you build more trust, your sexual performance will be easier. “How to be Irresistible to Your Mate” will show you how to bridge the gap with your wife. Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage has guidelines for energizing your sex life, like these:
Dr. Romance’s Four Tips on Jump-Starting Your Sex Life
Has your sex life gone to sleep? No matter what the old wive’s tales say about it, there’s no reason not to have sex in long-term relationships. Sex not only will keep your love energized, it’s also fun exercise, a great stress-releaser, and aerobic: it raises your heart rate and your respiration—and you don’t even notice you’re working hard.
Here’s how to make it easy and fun:
Relaxing allows you to be more aware of your sexual energy, enhances sexual feelings, and frees you up to respond sexually. Allow time for morning sex when you are still relaxed from sleep, or after a nap.
2. Lighten Up
Because of media influence, most couples have an exaggerated, stressful image of sex. To have more fun, focus on having fun, instead of meeting a goal. Some sex encounters go well, some don’t, so have a sense of humor. Spend more time giggling, talking, and being silly and less time under pressure. A lighter attitude makes sex more fun.
The best beginning for a lovely sexual encounter is a good, honest, and open conversation. When you were new lovers, you talked and sex was easy. Frequently make time to “catch up” with each other over an unhurried dinner or breakfast. Express your hopes and dreams, clear the air, and you can both relax. From there, it’s not such a long distance into the bedroom.
4. Be Flexible
Physical agility can be helpful, but emotional flexibility will really improve your sex life. The longer you and your partner are together, the more you need options. Here’s a menu:
- Quickies: brief sexual encounters that are great fun when you’re pressed for time. Morning heavy petting can make the whole day more exciting.
- Sneaky Sex: Whispery sex behind locked doors while the children (or grandchildren) are watching TV is great fun, or sneak lovemaking in your childhood bedroom while visiting your parents.
- Romantic Sex: Pull out all the stops: candlelight, dinner, dancing, dressing up, perhaps a lovely hotel room, or a romantic dinner for two at home. It’s great for celebrations, or anytime you need a boost.
- Newlywed Sex: Recreate your first married days: the time you met your husband at the door wearing only a negligee, surprise flowers, or silly, wildly in love things you said then.
- Make-Up Sex: After an argument or a struggle, lovemaking can be extra tender and memorable.
- Comforting Sex: When one of you is sad or stressed, the other can be especially tender and soothing.
- Relaxing Sex: Laze around, have breakfast in bed, and make love for as long as you want; no pressure, no hurry, and no demands on each other.
- Reassuring Sex: Tender affection reassures a partner who is temporarily insecure, and reaffirms your mutual love and commitment. Declare your love and remember how important it is.
- Fantasy Sex: Act out all the silly, forbidden or exciting fantasies: Nurse and patient (or doctor), children “playing house,” famous movie star and adoring fan, or your two favorite characters from a soap opera, novel, or movie. If you feel a little silly, laughter will only make it more fun.