Do I Stay or Do I go?

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I have been going through but yet another transformation in my life; they seem to come ever four years. I am married, but have come to a place in my life where I want to really live in the moment and enjoy life … period. I’m tired of the overcrowded, impatient, and overly entitled attitudes that reside with me in this city. The superficial, material, commercialism has left me seeking refuge elsewhere. For some reason, I don’t necessarily foresee my husband being part of that picture. Me, thiry-three and him, forty-five may have something to do with it.

II) I miscarried in July, and I interpret that as some sort of re-birth within myself. I have always been on the fence regarding having children and now I have absolutely no desire at all. I don’t believe in coincidences, things do happen for reasons, and I think that was my lesson to be taught. I had an extremely social calendar the following months, I had some fantastic energies going on, for I was a magnet to so many interesting people, well, primarily men. I met and am still meeting men and connecting on different levels, thus … my crossroads. You can’t have desires to be with others if your marriage is solid.

III) I don’t have much interest in TV. He was so thrilled he just bought a 42’ Plasma. I want peace and tranquility. He wants football and video games (yes, he is forty-five). Basically the writing is on the wall, but even thinking about bringing up the conversation of possibly leaving totally breaks my heart. It breaks my heart for him, and I would almost like to think I can redirect my energies and make our relationship work.

IV) An island, or small community that lives off the food they grow … meditation … relaxation … yoga … fresh air and kind hearts. Sigh.

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