In this day and age of modern technology and alternative communication methods, I couldn’t neglect to discuss the modern way to have sex via text, or, sext. Any woman with a way for words (and toys in her bottom drawer) loves having sext. It’s a noughties revolution! Women love sext for many reasons: it’s discreet, we can really, really let loose, you don’t have to be having a good hair day to have it, it doesn’t take three hours in front of a mirror to prepare for it, and we always, always come.
Sext is also your friend, guys. We all know how often you think about sex, and have it with yourself, so think of it as an extension (so to speak) of this …
But before you start getting jiggy with your mobile phone (and I’ll leave it up to you to figure out the logistics of juggling your phone and your, er, larger thumb), read and reflect on the following.
If you want great sext, there are a few things you should take into consideration.
- Be descriptive
- Be imaginative
- Be timely
- Be careful
- Be discreet
- Be picky
(A note for the ladies: If you are a woman reading this, be aware that pictorial aids will inevitably be requested. Men are visual creatures. With this in mind, be aware of where they might end up or who else’s eyes might potentially feast upon them. Women tell each other pretty much everything, but guys feel selfish if they don’t share certain visual material with their mates. My personal code of ethics is only to send lingerie shots. Anything else is only to be taken a mental snapshot of, or described in detail. Alternatively, you might decide only to send body shots; no face detail.)
Choose who you have sext with. A sextual relationship is very much built on trust. Women can be bitches. They will be sneaky, and if you do them wrong you should expect your girlfriend to be the friendly recipient of all sorts of material that will send you to hell and damnation. With this is mind, act accordingly. Not one to advocate straying if you are in a relationship, I won’t admit it doesn’t happen. So if you find yourself taking part in a sextual affair, you must delete all content once finished. This includes inbox and sent items, brainiac! One thing you should know about women is that they all check your mobile phone regularly, because you keep forgetting you’ve left it lying around. It’s curiosity, and it’s built into our makeup. Accept it. You love us for our breasts, but you must also love us for our Magnum, P.I. tendencies. You may be thinking how great this is—no need to worry about safe sex anymore, sext is automatically safe! But, there are hazards!! Always triple check the recipient before you hit send, even if you are replying to a previous sext. Sending a random middle-of-the-session sext to your sibling is definite cause to skip the country and cut all family ties.
We know you’re quite happy to have sex(t) 24/7, but sometimes a woman needs time to set the scene or get in the mood. Nine a.m on a Tuesday morning may not be the best time. Conversely, however, sending a titbit in the morning and promising more later gives her something to look forward to. Having said this, a slow sext conversation throughout the working day which causes one or both of you to nip off to the office toilets for some relief is an ultra sweet way to break up the working day. But only on occasions, as getting caught having sext at work is possibly as shameful as getting caught having the same, but without the “t” … Describe different settings, what you’d like her to be wearing, what things feel like … not just “I want to do this,” and “I want you to do that.” A girl’s imagination is directly linked to her sweet bits, so appeal to it. Dirty words are certainly called for during sext, but you also need to mix it up with a little flair to really get your sextual partner enticed. Instead of constantly mentioning “pumping,” “rock-hard,” “tits,” and such … try also throwing in words like “alluring,” “luscious,” and “smooth.” (Oh, and please refrain from sexting the c-word, unless your lady is genuinely turned on by it, in which case, wait for her to use it first.)