I don’t know if anyone has ever heard the song “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles but it seems to encompass my ex and me every freaking time “it” happens. Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long. That’s the line that gets me every time!
The back story is … My ex and I were together for almost four years; I saw my entire life in his eyes (we started dating when we were sixteen, broke up when we were both twenty, and were off and on for another year after that). I saw my wedding day, etc., etc., in him. So, when we broke up, it never was quite resolved. We were living in different states, only four hours from each other, but it was enough space to have the whole “out of sight, out of mind” deal.
There were mixed emotions and first love/lusts that will never, ever go away. I’ve come to terms that we will always love each other … and frankly, it sucks at times.
Then fate, if you will, stepped in. We both moved back to our home town, population 2,000. There is no avoiding anyone in this sleepy little town. So now, with mutual friends and family members wanting to see both of us, it is becoming impossible to avoid him. And it’s not like I want to avoid him, but I’m in another committed relationship and I love my current boyfriend more than words can say … but darn it all to hell if my ex doesn’t always throw a wrench in there to make me wonder, what if?
And what makes it doubly difficult is when we’re around our friends, it is so natural for us to gravitate towards each other and flirt and talk and whatnot. So … after a year of being tortured with his never-ending presence, I completely cut myself off from all friends that were associated with him. I had to close myself off from him; I couldn’t stand the “what ifs” anymore and they were beginning to set me back in my current relationship. I started to doubt being with my boyfriend, all because of my ex.
There were six glorious months without seeing or speaking to him, and then something brought me back to him again. Something tragic, honestly. My friend had a sledding accident and broke one of her vertebra. She was in the hospital for two weeks, a hospital that was one hour from my house but only five minutes from his house and other mutual friends. So … where did I end up staying? You got it, his house. Mind you it wasn’t in his room or anything like that. It was with another one of my guy friends who had an extra bed and gave his room completely to me. So … there we were again, avoiding eye contact and fumbling through conversation like fourteen-year-olds with major crushes on each other who hadn’t told each other yet.
Then began the waves of questions: Should I talk to him? Do I keep avoiding him? Don’t look him in the eye or he’ll see it in your eyes … all the fun feelings over again. And then the wondering, What if something happened in my relationship, would it work out?
After thinking about it for a bit during those weeks, I would randomly run into him in the hall, or pass him when I was leaving for work/coming in to stay. I’m happy we’re not together now; I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much. But damnit if first loves don’t have a way of always sneaking back into our lives in mysterious ways … and I hate it! But it’s unavoidable, especially in an extremely small town … with mutual friends constantly reminding you that he’s there.
