Hello my name is Caroline and I’m a Maximizer. For those of you not currently dating, I will attempt to define maximizer in my own words. When dating, a Mazimizer refuses to settle for less than perfect and often finds something wrong with each and every person they go out with. The Maximizer may be a perfectionist in other aspects of their life as well and as such you’d expect for it to extend into their dating life as well.
I recently read “Marry Him, the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb and it opened my eyes to this Maximizer phenomenon. I’ve been on tons of dates and I’ve come to the conclusion that the only guys I’m interested in are the ones that are not interested in me. I hate to admit it but I need the chase. I want the challenge.
I’ve found that when I’m on a date, I either like the person or I see them as a friend. If they fall into the friend zone, I’m my normal bubbly outgoing self. If I see a potential for future, I remain a little reserved, perhaps in fear that they won’t like my bubbly personality. As I’m typing this I realize how silly this is because A.) I should be me and B.) most people like my bubbly personality. My problem is, once I put someone in the friend zone, I don’t want them to like me.
This leads me to feel guilty. It’s inevitable that they’ll ask me out again. Then I’m stuck with the decision of going out again knowing that I didn’t feel anything or having to tell them I’m just not interested. I feel tremendous guilt accepting someone’s offer of a second date because I feel like I’m leading them on. But is it really misleading if I’m hoping that I’ll feel something the second time? I don’t want to feel guilty for “dating” but I’m not sure how to turn it off.
If I look deep within, am I really just not serious about finding a relationship? Why am I pushing away those that might be good for me when I don’t feel an instant spark? I’ll admit that many times I miss having someone to turn to when I’m feeling lonely. I wish I had someone to travel with and fill that extra seat for card games, but why can’t it be someone that I’m physically attracted to? Why are those guys that I’m instantly attracted to always the ones that run away? Do I really just enjoy the chase so much that I’m willing to accept that I may always be chasing?