I read with interest Rebecca Brown’s article about faking orgasm and the comments that had been posted after it. This brings me to an aspect of all this man/woman stuff that I have been helping people with on both sides of the debate for many years now. Among other things, I am an alternative healer and part-time counselor and get to talk with a lot of different people, especially women, about many different problems.
Among many woman in years gone by and even today, there has been and still is an attitude that ‘if he loves me, he’ll know what I want.’
Ladies, it just is NOT so. I am a quite psychic man and rather more observant of people around me than most men. What I am NOT is a mind reader. Assuming for the moment that YOU are my sexual partner, I CAN’T know what is going on in your mind regarding what you might want. Also, since I am a male with a male’s hormones and masculine sexual responses, I really don’t have a lot of understanding of your female responses and feelings.
Us men have our own range of sexual problems, ranging from impotence through to premature ejaculation. I have experienced some of these problems from time to time. One that I have experienced is the one that Michel mentioned in his comment is the inability to orgasm. For you women who have never had a man talk to you about this phenomenon, what usually happens is that no matter how hard the man tries to achieve an orgasm, the nerves in the head of his penis that trigger it seem to go a little numb and leave the man with a ‘fuzzy’ feeling in the head of his penis. Once this happens, in my experience at least, it is almost always impossible to get past it and achieve an orgasm and ejaculation, at least through sexual intercourse. There is no blame to either party in such situations. It just happens and I still do not know exactly why it happens.
(As an interesting sidelight to premature ejaculation, as far as the act of reproduction is concerned, so long as ejaculation takes place inside the female vagina and delivers the sperm there, it is NOT premature because it HAS achieved its objective of inseminating the female. It’s just nice to be able to control it to enable the greatest satisfaction for all concerned.)
Now, back to you women and your sexual needs, desires, wants and responses. Many women still seem to think that it is their male partner’s RESPONSIBILITY to GIVE them an orgasm—or six. I don’t see how this can be when you women have such widely varying wants, needs desires and responses, not only from one woman to another, but for each individual woman from day to day, nay, even hour to hour.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY????
Do you not think that it might be extremely helpful to your male partner if you TELL him what you want, what turns you on, what position or angle best stimulates you and what progress you are making toward an orgasm? My own personal suggestion would be that you take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and initiate a discussion with him on just this topic. Now I agree that it might be a trifle confronting to a man if you were to broach the topic on the first date. However, to give the new relationship the best chance of succeeding, I would suggest that you get some discussion going on this aspect of the relationship fairly early.
F’rinstance, I had an 11 year relationship with a woman whom I still regard as one of the finest women I have ever met. VERY early in our relationship, after only the first couple of sexual events, I asked her about what reactions she commonly had during orgasm that might indicate that she had achieved one. Her reply: “You’ll know when I have an orgasm.” Well, she never so much as uttered a faint squeak or gave any other indication that I could detect that she was experiencing an orgasm during any of our sexual encounters over the next 2 1/2 years. I KNOW she had SOME orgasms because AFTER I had orgasmed, ejaculated and stopped moving inside her, I could feel her vagina spasming, clenching and unclenching around my penis, often quite strongly. BUT, I could NOT feel this while I was still moving inside her, only after I had stopped moving.
It took 2 1/2 years of asking, coaxing, discussing and more than a few instances of her not achieving orgasm before I finally managed to convince that I could not read her mind or feel what was happening in her female plumbing while I was inside her and thrusting. Once this monumental moment was reached, our sex life improved markedly.
Ladies, another important aspect of this quest to achieve orgasm is just how well you know your own body, what makes it tick, what turns it—and you—on and what responses you have as you get closer to orgasm that tell you that you ARE getting closer. If you don’t know these things about yourself, how are you going to communicate them to a partner? If you don’t know these things, may I suggest that you do a little personal research on yourself to find out about them? Masturbation is a VERY good way to do this. There is a VERY good DVD entitled, “The Very Best of Vulva Massage” which gives a LOT of very good ideas for getting in touch—literally—with yourself. It is also worth bearing in mind that unless you can be comfortable with stimulating yourself, you are not likely to be very relaxed with having some strange being with totally different sexual equipment from your own and a vastly different touch attempting to stimulate you.
May I suggest that sex is really a ‘team sport’ and ought to be entered (pun intended) into with a view of having both members of the team kick a ‘goal’—or six. Teams seem to work best when there is good communication and cooperation and plenty of practice as a team. Talk to your partner, find out what he/she wants or likes or doesn’t want or like and try to deliver, so long as it doesn’t compromise your own principles and ideals. At the same time, let your partner know what you want and what turns you on and let them practice giving it to you.
And girls, if your man won’t talk, maybe you ought to reconsider if he is really the right partner for you. If he won’t talk about this very important part of a male/female relationship, what other topics is he going to be unwilling to discuss?
Having said all of the above, I also have to admit that there is a ray of hope showing through. The young women of today seem to be a little more willing to speak up for themselves and say what they want or feel than their forebears. Many will call a spade a spade and some will even call it a strange kind of shovel with reproductive powers.
You all have a wonderful day—and much sexual satisfaction. Best wishes.