Well, Valentine’s Day is coming up and if you are like me you have no idea what to get your imaginary girlfriend. Here is an idea; why not imitate the most desirable man on earth and give her something he would give? “Great idea, but who is this guy? He seems unreal.” Guess what? He is! According to every girl I have talked to who has read the Twilight series, Edward Cullen, a fictional vampire, is the most romantic, sexy, and attractive man they know. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I have never read the books or seen the movies how can I be like Edward if I know nothing about him?” Don’t worry four hours ago I was just like you, I did not know a thing about Twilight, but I have just watched both movies back to back and I become the most romantic non-vampire in America. I practically have a PhD in romance now and am ready to indulge you with my “expert” advice.
For those of you who are not familiar with the story, Edward Cullen is a kid from the Harry Potter movies who is bitten by a vampire named Lord Voldemort and then moves to Forks, Washington where he is adopted by a vampire family. He later falls in love with a human girl named Bella Swan, who moved to Washington to live with her father because she got kicked out of Arizona for being too pale. “Sounds great, so what now? Should I cover my body with glitter and always walk in slow motion.” Ha ha! No, don’t be ridiculous, but you will need to get a crowbar.
Break in to her house and watch her sleep
This is a cute romantic gift you can give at any point in the relationship especially if it’s just starting. Can’t take your eyes off your newest crush? Here is an idea, break into her house and watch her sleep. Edward Cullen does this right after he meets Bella. He sneaks into her room, stands right next to her bed and just stares at her for hours, it is so romantic. He does this not just for a few minutes, but for 8 hours every night for months and months. See this is where normal perverts and voyeuristic weirdoes get this wrong, they only watch girls sleep for about an hour and maybe once or twice, what total freaks! That’s not romance, where’s the dedication? Edward stares at Bella like it’s his full time job and he’s putting in over time with fifty-six hours of intent ogling a week. Don’t ask me why seventeen-year-old girls love it when 108-year-old men break into their homes and watch them sleep all night, they just, do. Her gift comes months later, when Edward tells her he has been watching her all night for weeks on end. Bella thinks this is sweet and leaves the window open for him later. Personally, I think this is really creepy, but I can’t argue with the fan base, twilight girls love century old voyeuristic home invaders who like to stare at underage girls.
Give her the gift of insanity
Do this for me, pour a bowl of freezing icy cold water and then pour a bowl of relaxing warm water. Now stick your hand in the cold almost frozen ice water do this until it is absolutely unbearable to keep it there then, leave it there for another minute. Now pull your hand out and place it in the bowl of warm water. Do you feel that? Do you feel how relaxing and amazing the warm water feels on your frostbitten hand? The painful ice makes the water seem so much more amazing than it really is. This boring, ordinary bowl of warm water feels like a miracle cure and the greatest thing you have ever encountered in your life doesn’t it? Now put your hand back in the sub-zero glacier water and repeat the process until you are insane and all that you crave is the warm water. What’s that you say? You hate this? That’s weird, because Bella Swan loves it. Edward Cullen is the maximum definition of what it means to be bipolar. He plays this game of hot and cold with her which only makes her fall more and more in love with him. When he first meets her he acts as if everything about her completely repulses him. He even attempts to change his class schedule so he will never have to see her again. The next time he sees her he is super sweet and very interested in her personal life, asking deep questions and listening to all she has to say. Then, it’s back to complete repulsion he calls her insane and rudely pushes her away from him. That’s right, he puts her back into the ice water, leaving her craving his temperate affection. In fact, the next time he acts warm and loving he has completely won her over. Being bipolar is so sexy, it drives the women crazy, literally. If Stephanie Myer, the author of Twilight, has taught me anything it is this, women want emotional stress. So this Valentine’s day, drive your girlfriend insane, she will only love you more for it.
Put her in a tree
The last time you went on a date with a girl how much money did you spend? Fifty? A hundred dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars?! Do you know how much money Edward spends on his dates? Zero! Zero Dollars! The most romantic date Edward gives Bella is when he takes her to a tree, sits her on a branch and talks to her for a few hours. He just puts her in a tree and calls it a date! What genius! All this time you have been doing things so wrong! Your sweetheart doesn’t want roses, gifts or chocolates this Valentines day, you AMATEUR! She does not want you to spend money on her at all, she wants to be put in a tree. Guys, I know this doesn’t make sense to our mere mortal minds. That is because we are not thinking like a centennial vampire, this man grew up during the great depression, he knows how to pinch those pennies. So go return all the jewelry and day spa gift certificates, what your girlfriend really wants are branches and leaves. Oblige her! Trust me guys if you do this for your girlfriend, she will have the biggest Cullen blast ever.
Ahh, the gift of withholding sex, a gift so many women have given to me my entire life. In the movie Edward can’t kiss Bella, because if he kisses her he might lose control, bite her, then drink her blood. So the hottest couple of the decade practices abstinence. What you thought kissing and passionate sex are romantic?! You fool! Not having sex is the sexiest thing you can do! Your girlfriend doesn’t want to be kissed, she wants to be almost kissed and then pushed away. Not being satisfied is so satisfying for women. Don’t worry, it blows my mind also! Black is white, white is black. All this time your girlfriend has wanted the opposite of what you thought she wanted. It’s like when someone who eats meat calls themselves a vegetarian, it makes absolutely no sense!
Break up with her and leave her in the middle of a forest
If you want to go the full Cullen this is it, you HAVE TO dump your girlfriend. Trust me, nothing says “I love you” more than the words “I never loved you.” Usually when I break up with a girl just out of the blue for completely no reason I do like to give her a call a few days later to make sure she is doing alright and hasn’t killed her self. I was so dumb for caring! I wasn’t being romantic! The next time I break up with a girl, I should be cold blooded like Edward. In the second movie, he takes Bella to the middle of a forest during the day and giving no real reason, he breaks up with her then tells her the most horrible things he can come up with: “You just don’t belong with me.” “You’re just not good for me” and “I don’t want you.” He then leaves her alone in the forest without any provisions. Give her a compass?! What?! No! A seventeen year old girl should know how to navigate her way out of the woods. After she has been missing for hours, her dad ends up organizing a search party of about forty people to go looking for her. They find her unconscious, laying on the ground sometime after midnight. But wait this is the best part, the next time Edward sees her, he asks her to marry him and SHE SAYS YES!!! Thinking about purposing to your loved one this Valentine’s? Take some advice from Stephanie Myer, take your soul mate to the middle of the forest, tell her how worthless you think she is and then just abandon her completely alone in the woods. This will assure that your girlfriend will never be able to love anyone but you. Then if she is able to survive, the next time you see her, purpose and she will say “Yes!” This is practically a Twilight guarantee.
There is the recipe, toss in your own flavor and this Valentine’s Day give your girlfriend the best love soufflé she has ever tasted. See the problem is this whole time you have been searching for your lovers G-spot, when you should have been looking for her V-spot, her vampire spot. Don’t worry, Doctor January has given you the remedy use two or three of these gift ideas and call me in the morning to tell how things worked out. This Valentine’s give your girlfriend all the Edward she can handle and she might give you some Ed in return. Seriously, Edward can go suck a neck, Team Jacob for life!